me...

Its been a long time since i've actually written something serious...something meaningful. Its been a long and crazy journey to where I am now...and it was never by my strength or ability that I am where I am. My first semester at Laurier is nearly over...at a blink of an eye. Overall, its been an interesting semester. Lately Ive realized what God has granted me when He let me come here. At first...i was a bit depressed leaving friends in Guelph....being stuck between years...struggling w/ school....adjusting. But everything I desired in coming here has been granted...and shamefully...it took me 3 months to realize. I am finally finding satisfaction in what I study....i am being challenged and pushed to my limits. Theres stress...but its a good....satisfying stress...where you know that you're being tested...developed. I've connected w/ the ppl here....i thought it'd be difficult just jumping into relationships that are matured over 3 years. My housemates are fun to be w/...and the fellowship ppl are supportive. I got co-op...which now allows me another shot to get a part time job related to my field. Yet....it took me so long to realized. I just sputtered around the semester not even being thankful for any of this...who do i think I am?! This is my confession: PRIDE...and lots of it. I get so easily "puffed up" when things go well...i feel so proud of myself...so accomplished...like "Yea see that?...I did that...ME...M-E". I instilled the change...I made that thing work....I said what needed to be said...I I I I.....then on the flip side I get so easily shattered. When things dont go well....when things make me look...."less than average"....make me look foolish....I feel like nothing. I feel lower than the earth itself......such inconsistancy!!!!....i drive myself crazy. My life isn't my own...all i possess isnt mine...but yet everyday....my actions...my thoughts....my words....say they do. I truly thank God for being who He is...cause if He was any different...if His grace wasnt so abounding....I would not be here...and rightfully so. These 2 weeks have been highs and lows for me....this week being my low...and last week my high. These 2 weeks have helped me come to the realization of the above....and now its time to put away my old self...


"The way of deeper knowledge of God is through the lonely
valleys of soul poverty and abnegation of all things. The
blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have
repudiated every external things and have rooted from their
hearts all sense of possessing." -- The Pursuit of God, Tozer

Lord forgive me for all that I have thought, said, done that was not from You or for You. Lord show me the urgency of moment by moment living for YOU, so that I will not be devoured by selfish and impure motives. Help me to to live life based on what I KNOW rather than to what I feel...I know you've washed me clean...I know that YOU live IN ME...I know Your grace is enough....i might not feel it all the time....but may that not deter me from You. Amen.

looking back

Man...its been a long time since I've updated. A lot of situation have advanced and many things have changed. For one, my last post was in HK, I am now back in Canada...have been for a good month and a half. And the biggest thing, I now go to Wilfrid Laurier. All I can say is that its been quite a rocky ride. Looking back on all the posts that I've written and seeing how I was struggling to make the decision to transfer and how co-op got me down it really feels weird. It all started w/ me apply to laurier from Kingston (at Tiff's place actually, while I was helping her move out) a day before the deadline. Summer time arrives and I didnt land any co-op job...I feel kinda depressed and get away from it all by making a very spur of the moment decision by going to HK (bought my ticket 2 days before I left). As the days go by in HK, I notice that I havent gotten anything about my transfer application. It hits July and still no news. During this time I have almost given up on going to Laurier. I send a couple emails only to find out that Guelph hasnt even sent my transcript in!!!....my biggest fear had come true. Some how I just knew that complications would occur w/ my application. I found out that my OUAC only application was filled out wrong. I selected "Send transcript: at end of term". I thought that was correct cause laurier wanted final marks. However, Guelph understood it by being end of SUMMER TERM....whaaat?!?!? This is where if you ask terry I'm flipping out and feeling so helpless being on the other side of the world. I eventually make a bunch of long distance phone calls and get ouac to change my selection. It gets processed and Guelph sends out my transcript. I arrive home and wait for a response. 2 weeks go by and still nothing. At this point I'm basically preping myself to go back to Guelph. I was a little sad but I knew God was in control. On Friday July 29th I just made a phone call to Laurier to get an offical answer. It was the day before retreat which ironically was being held at Laurier. I proceed to phone admisions. The lady askings for my ref # and begins to check on her database. In the most matter of fact tone she says "Umm..yep...you were accepted as of yesterday. Your package has just been sent out today...you should receive it sometime next week...alright?" This is where I just pause in disbelief. It plays mind games w/ you when you dont have any offical paperwork or screen stating that you were accepted. Now, I immediately shift gears and begin to prep myself for life at laurier. I phone my friend to ask him about the room in his house that was supposedly reserved for me. He says "sorry man, he got another guy". MAN!!! Great, I get the acceptance that've been waiting for for so long and I loose the place where I'm to stay. But God has aleady taught me a lot during this journey...and I promised myself that I would let any situation phase me. I proceed to go to the retreat the next day and man it was perfect timing to say the least. I get lost trying to find our church and I'm basically walking around campus. Find out that I was accepted the day before makes it just seem like a campus tour...haha. Anyway, lunch time comes and I talk to some ETCBCers and get hooked up w/ Laurier's fellowship chair!...whoa...haha. It seemed like everyone knew me..."oh ur the 3rd year guelph transfer right?"...thx jon lai...haha...him know like every ccf chair really helps. Anyway, at the same moment I just ask about housing and he links me to this other guy...Eugene. He says he's got a place free in his house...I swap phone #s and walk away. So as one opportunity fell apart, God opened up another one...in the timing only He could engineer. Still not done! I get my package the week after and find out they gave me sooooo many transfer credits...more than I thought...haha....I still have to take second year but I dont have to re-learn anything. I begin trying to get into courses the week after and now I hit another bump. A lot of the courses are full and w/ all the transfers they gave me I have nothing to take. I phone up the academic advisor and she proceeds with "wow...I cant believe they have you so much transfer credit...this is a big mess now. You arent aloud to take any 3rd year courses you know? It goes against all school policies...but I'll see what I can do." WHAAT?!....that means i'd take 4 cores and 6 electives....NOOOOOOOOO!!!!...what a waste of time and money. For 2 years in guelph I searched and searched to take things meaningful...and now when I come here...it seems like the same thing again! I send her an email and go off to ctc's camping retreat. There I talked w/ jess who had a very similar ordeal and she encouraged me. I come back from retreat and read her response and find out that she has enrolled me in a couple of 3rd year courses..YAY!!...so now I have a filled schedule that doesnt seem useless. Only 1 glitch. My 3rd yr accounting course is the same time as lccf...and all other sections are full...UGH....maybe I can talk to the prof of the other section to let me in.

Well thats about it. Its been a wild ride with things never seeming to go right. But through it all God carried me and was soooo faithful. I finally know where Im going to be in September and finally have a schedule of my classes. We'll see what God has in store for me this coming year.

prayer

Im in HK now. If you asked me a couple months ago about me being in Hk this summer I'd of thought u where crazy. But I am...and it is somewhat surreal. However, as my time here is coming to a close I realize that my trip to the other side of the world does not change my situation back home. The fact of the matter is I didnt get a job for co-op after close to 40 applications. My laurier transfer is still pending...but im starting to feel like something went wrong (ie. transcript didnt arrive etc..). So I guess you can say I am pre-occupied here in HK...thinking...dare I saw worrying about life. Now I must realize that my lack of prayer most likely got me here. I need to get back on it...these red flags are God's way to get my attention...and the extent of the attention grabbing shows how side tracked I've been.

Lord help me to stop running away and to learn to face the problems at hand....to know that You are in utter control of the situations even though the world may seem to be spinning around me. I realized that I have fallen into a type of mindset that has a distaste for uncertainty. Help me to embrace the uncertain knowing that you are souvreign. Silence my heart and help me to know that You are God....

waste

So its been close to a month and a half that I've been off school and I've done squat. This is quite depressing to think about. I literally waste my days away doing nothing. My time mgmt has gone out the window cause I have no schedule to follow and keep me focused. Man...such a waste. God what are you trying to teach me?? I've done my best trying to find a job...so at least I can do something productive....i didnt want to complicate things w/ summer courses considering my transfer process is up in the air....so what? I'd love to travel...but considering the fact I have no job...thats quite unfeasible. Its kinda late to join a missions trip...but not only that...i think my reasoning is quite sad....to fill up my time and give me something to do......that aint right. Softball and dboat has given me something to do...but they all centre around the weekend...during the weekdays its very slow going. Volunteer? Well that too takes an application process...haha....Its like Im not even good enough to do stuff for free. I thought this summer was gonna be exciting...but I guess not. All the ppl close to be are going to be away/busy; Brent China, Cam China, Belinda China/HK, Terry also is now probably going to HK/Jap, Stace workin, Vince workin, Alf school, Sam teaching, Phil school etc etc...the list goes on....Im happy they all have stuff to do...but that leaves me very alone. Makes me feel like exciting things are happening to everyone but me. What did I do wrong?!....I could've nailed a job at like sports chek or sth...but i didnt apply cause of Co-op...but now thats goin south.


Man Im scared and fustrated. I've had a lot of experiences where I've made a decision w/ a certain outcome in mind, and my mind kinda mentally prepared for that outcome...unconsciously. then when the alternative arose....I was kinda shocked and sent reeling. I fear w/ my uni applicatin the same thing is gonna happen. I dont think me right now desiring to go to Laurier and expecting to be there is a wrong thing. But im scared im still gonna get burned for it. Its emotionally tolling to try and not commit to any senario...and stay in the middle...trying to visualize yourself in September in 2 places. So how do I prep? What should I do in the mean time? UGHHH....Lord sustain me...cause right now I feel like Im gonna crumble...

not meant to be..

Well last week i had my first interview...yea its quite sad. I was still releaved tho that I actually got one...i guess at least thats a step in the right direction. I look back on it...and i wished I could do it all over again. As much as I preped for the interview I still "choked". I dont think i did enough to sell myself and show them that I really wanted to be apart of their team. I came into the place w/ a suit and guy was very casually dressed and asked to go to coffee time. I think that was the first thing that caught me off guard. Secondly, the place operated out of the owners apartment. I've seen places like this before...but that too made me kinda feel like maybe this isnt what I thought it was gonna be. I think the casual interview and low key work environment made me reconsider if i actually wanted to work there. Man thats pride for you. Its a good learning experience for me for sure. I shouldnt let environment, pay or general outward appearance push me away from a job. Its all about the ppl that you work w/ and the projects you undertake. Working on bay st in some financial firm isnt all that its cracked up to be. So what im trying to say is I guess I let my pride get the better of me....i felt like i deserved better, when really...its exactly the environment I needed to "exist" in. So I havent received a phone call yet...which means most likely that I didnt get it. Not surprised...I KNOW I couldve done a better job. Overall this co-op process has been a very humbling experience. A lot of my friends have good jobs w/ big companies...and I guess i want to just jump right into that picture...but I realize thats not my life...they have theirs...I have mine. My path and my being is unique to anyone. God has indeed taught me a lot during the lows of this co-op processes. If i have to start low...i gotta start low. If i to start unpaid...thats the way its gotta be. The funny thing is....as I pondered over the job after my interview I started to realize how good of an opportunity it was...and I began really hoping for the job...haha. So now I guess you can say im kinda disappointed. Its my fault tho..and God is defintely teaching me a lesson.

Lord help me to realize at the end of the day, through thick and thin that You alone are still running my life. Cultivate in me a character that cries out "Yes Lord, here I am, send me!" Lord forgive me for my pride and selfishness. Help me to see past myself...knowing full well that it is indeed unthinkable and unimaginable to dine at your table. As my future is still clouded...outcomes still hang in the air..help me to lean into You...and be obedient.

summer

Im not gonna lie...not securing a job for co-op has me down in the dumps. I feel so unable. I dont care who you are but with 35 rejections (0 interview offers) somethings gotta give. My resume and cv's have been polished up quite a bit but still nothing. I try to stay confident but honestly I feel like im not good enough. So with that I gotta find something to do over the summer. Gotta just settle for a meaneal job that pays minimum. Go back to the hospital?....ughhh. I might just have to. I just cant stand working weekends. Everything I have to do centres around the weekend. Yes i know....beggars cant be choosers...i just gotta take my lumps and deal with it. *sigh* I do admit I've stopped praying about my employment situation. I dunno...kinda gave up on it...i think in this time God rather have me just spend time w/ Him rather than ramble on about my problems that He already knows about. I know He's in control, I just gotta get my heart aligned with His. Again, its about being the person God intended me to be. Character is more important than what im doing or where i am. so I guess i gotta just learn to be the right person in the wrong situation at the moment. As for summer...need to find something constructive to do. Cant waste away my days like this...mann...it sucks. Hopefully if God doesnt lead me to a job...I find something fruitful to engross myself into over these next 4 months.

relection

What is the chief end of man?
The chief end of man is to glorify God (1), and enjoy Him forever (2).
- Westminster Catechism

(1)
- 1 Corinthians 10:31. Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
- Romans 11:36. For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen.

(2)
- Psalm 73:24-26. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God isthe strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
- John 17:22, 24. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one... Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world.


I have always known the part about glorifying God...but it seems through most of my walk w/ God i have ignored the "enjoy" part. I've always viewed life as a test God puts us through...one that we have to endure through and then when our life is over we can stand before the throne knowing we have passed the test on earth and only now can we "enjoy life"...eternal life. This is not to say that I live life only b/c of the expectance of rewards in heaven…I knew my role…I was the created…He was the creator. I had no right to argue with Him. He loves me…I know that because of the cross…and I continued living only b/c of that love and that I love Him. So I lived life just enduring anything that came my way…knowing that was what God wanted me to go through. I wasn’t bitter…but I definitely had no joy. As of late I realized thats not how it works and I think this statement of faith reveals the second half that I've missed most of my walk...."TO ENJOY HIM FOREVER". I look back at my life and I see where I obtained that mindset from. All my life I felt the noble or “better” thing to do was to go the path that is the rockiest…the path that invokes the most hardship and struggle….and that I thought was the best path…the right path…the path God wanted me to take. Im not saying I always took that path…but it seemed when I experienced an “easy pathway” or a “break” in life I’d felt guilty for taking it cause it “wasn’t suppose to be like that”. When I was young I had a lot of desires and I never received them. As I matured I realized that those desires were selfish and not for God…so from then on I took another view…anything I desired was not right…that I should ignore my desires and ambitions because if I enjoyed it or liked it or loved it or felt good about it, it was bad…and it couldn’t of been from God. This mindset was further strengthened more than 2 years ago, when I pursued something with someone. I battled my feeling for a very long time trying not to pay attention to them. I soon realized that it was fruitless to do so and that I couldn’t just bottle it all up. I gave it to God daily and to the best of my abilities tried to make Him the centre of everything. With that things started to look very positive, and I began to think that maybe I was allowed to feel good. However, it didn’t last too long and in the end it still folded up. I guess this was the stamp that sealed my mindset that I couldn’t pursue my desires. I have yet to recover from the “loss” and I look back and that is probably the one situation that I look back on to reject the idea that God wants me to be happy….

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.”
- Todd Fields (722 Worship leader)

However, then I realized I can’t do the first part (glorify God) without experiencing the latter statement (enjoy Him forever). I absolutely love this quote from Todd…and the first time I heard it hit me hard. I cannot allow worldly situations and circumstances to warp my view of who God is to me…to us. To this moment I am still struggling to with the thought that “God wants me to be happy”. A lot of my reflection time has been mulling over how God views me. Kevin told me that a lot of the notions I have about God are because of the way I view myself. Many people know that I am very hard on myself and don’t give myself any breaks. So he told me to look at myself through God’s eyes…not through mine. Then I saw that I was wonderfully made for Him. That He designed my blueprint to the finest detail. My purpose is for His enjoyment…I was made for one purpose…to love Him… BUT ALSO to be loved by Him. He was all this heart was made for. An epiphany came to me; everyone commits sin, pursues dreams, material things, companionship, and positive experiences for what? To fill a void in their lives. Everyone has this “void”…EVERYONE. Why? Because God engineered it that way. He made us with that void SPECIFICALLY to be filled by Him. So whenever we pursue other things that are not Him…we feel unsatisfied. Everything falls short because our heart was perfectly fit for Him…anything else is a chasing after the wind.

So what now? As I try to overcome heartache, rejection, a lack of direction in school, temptation and sin I am really trying to realize that He was all this heart was made for….really trying to delight in Him and be satisfied…cause I know…all those “problems” above will fall into place once I embrace that.

Sunday April 10th

This day started off kinda surreal for me. Man....my dad got baptized today...God is good i must say. I didnt show too much emotion throughout the service...i dunno...kinda in shock...kinda just silently enjoying the whole thing. 3-4 years ago i would've never even pictured my dad coming to church w/ us and now this? Like all of us he's got a long way to go...but everyone has their own learning curves i guess...hehe. After service we went to richlane and ate jap food while the rest of the fellwship went to another restuarant w/i the same plaza...haha.

Then there was 15th anniversary dinner for the church. It was good to be with church ppl again and stuff.....but as i type this i must say im a bit saddened after the evening. Things werent the same as before i guess. I realized how much we've all grown up and stuff and how time is flying by. Terry, bel, tiff, jason, brent and the bees werent there for starters...and i guess that just shows times have changed....different cities...different paths. *sigh* I guess i wished things went back to the way they were. I remember goin to this event 2 years ago and having a blast and after the dinner just hangin out and talk w/ a special someone...aiiii....memories.....none the less....must continue to live by phillipians 3:12-14....gotta just continue straining ahead...and looking forward to the next move God is gonna make in other ppls lives...thats something to take joy in and be excited about for sure.

Speaking of future....its never been so uncertain for me before. I dont know where i'll be in summer.....i dont even know where I'll be in september. Co-op search isnt goin too well but i'm keeping my head up and realizing that God has everything in control....gotta focus outside of myself. Scared? For sure...but i cant lean on my own understanding in this time. I think whats concering me more is whether I should transfer uni's or not. I got til may 1st to make that decision....and man I've been mulling it over for sooooooooo long. I've cut the pie every way you can cut it....pros cons and everything...and I'm stumped. I've looked at academics...ive looked past academics....and im like tearing my hair out!#!!@ A friend once told me that God gives us more freedom than we think when we make decision like these....that He's not gonna restricted us from a place or whatever....and I think thats very true. But I also like to believe that God does have a preference on where He wants me to be. I talked to kev about this and he told me there may come a time when i just need to make a decision...but you also gonna have faith that God can reveal to ppl "as clear as writing on the wall" on where to go. So right now lies my predicament. Should I wait for God to reveal sth or am I waiting in vain?...maybe God just wants me to make a decision and trust Him that where every I'll go...i'll still be in His hands. gahhhhhh. I watched an old 722 series and it was sooo cool...cause it was talking about decisions. Louie said that ppl are so concerned about being in the right place...in the right program...in the right college....while God is more focused on WHO you are rather than what you're doing or where you are. People are more concerned trying to find the right person rather than trying to be the person God intended you to be....people are more concerned with obtaining the right things rather than being a reflection of God. Man that hit me....it was true....i had that mentality but somewhere along the way I lost the way...
"He has shown you O man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
im steadly falling more and more in love w/ this passage. you wanna know "God's will for your life"??...well its right here. Louie said....where every you go...act justly...love mercy...walk humbly w/ the Lord...focus more on that then on being in the right place. "dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness" until it is your time to move on....WOW WOOW!!!!. soooo cool man. God is good. so yea....guleph or laurier....doesnt matter i guess....haha. I admit im leaning more towards laurier right now....and im just trying to be sure of myself...cause man...last month...my mindset changed like every day....i'd wake up one morhing and be like...man i wanna stay in guelph...the next day i'd wake up...man get me outta here.....haha...im so crazy. so yea right now im just trying to kinda let it all go and find peace w/ my decision. no longer gonna listen to ppl...cause everyone is saying something different....God is the only one that matters.

living water

"Men are in a restless pursuit after satisfaction in earthly things. They will exhaust themselves in the deceitful delights of sin, and, finding them all to be vanity and emptiness, they will become very perplexed and disappointed. But they will continue their fruitless search. Though wearied, they still stagger forward under the influence of spiritual madness, and though there is no result to be reached except that of everlasting disappointment, yet they press forward. They have no forethought for their eternal state; the present hour absorbs them. They turn to another and another of earth's broken cisterns, hoping to find water where not a drop was ever discovered yet."
- Charles Spurgeon

too late?

1 Too late, twill be for you to cry, When mercys day has passed you by! When solemn night, of dark despair, Shall come upon you halting there!
2 Too late, when death has barred the door, Your wailings can be heard no more! Rejected, there, thy soul will be Shut out, through all eternity!
3 Will you not heed the voice today, Inviting you Christ to obey? And be prepared to enter there, A pure and spotless robe to wear? 4 No longer, there in sin abide! This all important step decide!
Come out, where Christ can touch thy soul, And at this moment be made whole!

Chorus Too late, too late, poor trembling soul! O will this be your fate? Too late, too late to be made whole! Too late, too late, too late!

Providence

Man...it really just hit me...where am i going to live next year? I didnt re-apply to east res or have not looked for a place off campus cause i fully thought i was going to be on coop work term. But now things are more complicated. Ok, i want to take courses in the fall cause the course seleciton is so much greater...and good profs seem to teach in the fall...hah. But if i want to do that...that means i should be looking for a place to live....but the thing is im not certain if they will let me do that or if i should do that yet. Then theres the thought of transfering...deadline is may 1st. I dont want to sign any leases if I'm not gonna be here. Man..honestly my future is up in the air for the first time in my life. The thing is I cant pull the trigger to do anything yet cause everything is so uncertain. Will the course advisors allow me to change around my academic calender? Will I find a coop job? Should I even apply to laurier? Man...so many variables to deal with...its honestly crazy....So this is it...probably the greatest test of my life so far....how much will I trust in God's providence over me? How much do I trust Him as my rock and refuge? How much do I trust Him to take care of me and provide for me? The way I live now will answer that...

"born to be wild"

Kinda cool. I watched an old 722 episode and the title of the ep was "Born to be Wild". At first I didnt understand what Louie Giglio was trying to get at. In fact after I watched it I thought..."hmm...that was cool". But during my reflection time one line stuck out "The taming of society...the taming of the wild heart that God has birthed in us". Society says we have to attend university...we have to graduate....obtain a good paying job...meet and marry someone...raise the proper family...and do all things that people do to enjoy life....and that is what life looks like. How far have we fallen off the true desires and potential God has for our lives! And in all this I realized that a lot of my "fear and insecurity" has sprouted from the fact that I'm loosing sight of the world's "ideal life style". I'm so focused on my story...so focused on obtaining my goals or rather society's goals for me. One of my friends is working at a bank this summer....and I guess he has always been my template of what I want to accomplish. Hardcore dragonboater...popular and well liked...doing well at the laurier's business program...and succeeding in the corporate world. But I realize thats my story...not God's story. Louie then goes on to talk about the calling of Peter. Jesus calls him and he leaves everything...his job...family...friends everything to follow Jesus. This passage has always been referred to to illustrate obedience and surrender..but it kinda stuck out this time. Peter was leaving the "society's ideal life style" and following Jesus. The path he would take w/ Jesus was the epitome of an "unsure future"...But its part of that unsureness...part of that "walking w/ the spirit spontaneity" that God desires for our lifes. Born to be wild...wild at heart...born to go out and experience all the wonders and excitement God intends for our lifes.....by joining HIS Life Story....getting our life story in His. When will I realize that I am a fool not to surrender my life to Him.

Now does this mean I wont ever get a "corporate" job or be jobless through all my coop terms? I dont think so. If i get a job great...if not I know that God supersedes any situation...any circumstance in life...and nothing can hinder Him from finishing His life's story.

ps. things are still tough for me...but are getting better...wanna thank all those that have been praying for me from the bottom of my heart

life interrupted

I guess i realized how tightly I have held onto my life. Surrender to me has just been a "christianse" term and nothing more. I guess now God is keeping me accountable for all that I've said. I honestly have a feeling that i wont get a job this coming workterm. I guess I want it too badly...I have dreams I want to fulfil in life...that are mine...and not God's. I have fallen into the pit of complacency and comfort. Thats all I long for in life right now. To be comfortable and have fun. Over the summer I truly wished to get a good paying job...a 9-5 office job. Live at home...and commit a lot of my time to dragonboat, golf and friends....hahah. I look at all my peers around me getting jobs and I long for that comfort of a secure "future". I want to obtain finances over the summer to be able to pay for my tuition apart from my parents...take the burden away from them. But now...things seem different. I honestly feel like I wont get a job...I dunno why....I think God's trying to teach me something. *sigh* As much as I want the lifes of the ppl around me....I realize that I'm not them...For the first time in my life my future is totally uncertain. Not only am I uncertain on where or what I'll be doing in the summer but also in the fall too. I was suppose to go on an 8 month work term...till winter semester. Now I dunno if i should come back in the fall to do schooling to catch up on some courses cause I want to switch programs (another uncertainty) or apply for a job then. Then theres the issue of living...most ppl are finding or have found places to live in for next yr. I didnt look cause I was fully expecting to be on coop in the fall. Lastly theres the uncertainty of income. Ah well...this is the way life is suppose to be i guess eh? God never promised a lighted pathway....only a lamp at my feet....so that I know where my next step is...thats it. I think this is a big life interruption for me. A big shake up....shaking me out of the dreams that I had for my life. But i guess this life was never mine anyway. I guess this is an opportunity to life out my faith now...in TRUE surrender.

what if..

"What If"
Babyface

I ran into a friend of yours the other day
And I asked her how you've been
She said my girl is fine; just bought a house, got a job, real good man
I told her I was glad for you; that's wonderful
But does she ever ask `bout me?
She said she's happy with her life right now
Let her go, let her be
And I told myself I would, but something in my heart just would not let you go
I just wanna know

[Chorus:]
What if we were wrong about each other?
What if you were really made for me?
What if we was `sposed to be together?
Would that not mean anything?
What if that was `sposed to be my house that you go home to every day?
How can you be sure that things are better?
If you can't be sure your heart is still here with me
Still wanting me

Your friend asked me if there was someone special in my life that I was seeing
I told her there was no one in particular
There's just I, myself, and me
I told her that I dream of you quite often
She just cut her eyes at me
She said you got a home, you're very happy
So just stop your meddling
I told her that I won't
I said things were cool, but I guess I was wrong
I still can't move on

[Chorus]

Now that could be my car
That could be my house
That could be my baby boy that you're nursing
That could be the trash that I always take out
That could be the chair that I love to chill in
That could be my food on the table at the end of the day
Hugs and the kisses, all the love we make
What the hell do you expect me to say?
What if it's really `sposed to be this way?
What if you're really `sposed to be with me?

Hating...

*sigh*...i really hating the person I am becoming or have become. Its like I cant even remember the last time when I was filled w/ joy and happiness. For the longest time I've been this depressed, sad, "hang my head as low as I can" person. I'm so sick of everything....school...my program...people that say they care but really dont....LIFE. I feel miserable and I just cant pick myself up. I dont want to live like this...I dont want to continue on dragging myself through life being hindered by baggage I shouldnt have to carry. You know, it sucks to give ur heart to someone and have then just step on it like it wasnt even there...it sucks to know that the university that you SHOULD'VE choosen is really learning stuff and has good profs and admins running the school while the place you ENDED UP choosing is crap...it sucks to have to endure a program that I thought was good...but am getting nothing out of...it sucks to see other ppl getting interviews and jobs while I'm here writing my blog like a loser. For those of you who see me like this and wonder why or think "why is he always down?" Well you dont kno what it is like to be alone...to have ppl that dont understand you. to fight battles that no one can help you w/. You know I really do want to see who God truly wants me to be but I cant....I honestly cant....all I see is failure and short comings. Its who I am.

Reading week

Well that went by fast. I actually did do some reading and studying over the break. Central library became my second home...heh. Man combine retreat and reading week together and I've had a long time to reflect and think about stuff. I dunno if thats a good or bad thing...cuz it aint fun to be weighed down by so many things. Man...theres jus too many things in my head and emotions goin right now I dont even know how to deal with it. So i guess I'm gonna keep it short. I feel like I'm in a battle everyday....and.....im losing.

reflection of days passed

Just came back from the ACF retreat in muskoka. Man...what a place...now I know why they call that "God's Country". So peaceful and "uninterfeared" with...haha. Theme was stewardship and the whole retreat was a good time of personal reflection for me. I battled a lot during this weekend though....just my selfish desires. I knew this retreat was all about bonding and sharing the walk w/ each other and about lifting up God as our main priority but yet again...my mind was focusing on my own problems and desires. A bit of everything I guess....program problems and uncertainty...co-op burdens....my "friendship" w/ someone...everything...it all comes down on me when I try to get away from it....The sad thing is for the first time in a long while during worship sessions and sharing times...I just wanted to not be there. I didnt feel like worshipping...didnt feel like taking part in any of the activities. I just wanted to run away from everything and everybody. I ate most of the meals by myself and hardly talked to anyone over the retreat. My heart was just not there. I can still say it was a good retreat cause it allowed me to look around and see what God was doing in other ppls lives. That this group of ppl really appreciates and loves each other....and I am really happy for that. So right now im just mad at my selfishness...wishing that I could let go of my jealousy and bitterness for things. I hate the fact that im like this....that it seems so natural for me to act like this. I talked to kevin about 2 weeks ago and he was telling me to find how God views me....what i'm worth to Him...my identity in Him....who He ment me to be. After that it started out good....God was slowly showing me stuff...but then during retreat I was so angry at myself for acting the way I was....and I just could not see who God desired me to be.....I know it was not to be like this....

Words are not enough

Its been a long time since I've posted. In fact it seems like a long time since I've done good in God's eyes. I have wandered from the path, talking the talking but walking in darkness. Words are not enough. I realize that Im on a spiritual down turn right now...i've been in the valley for quite a while. I've tried to will myself out of it....fight myself out of it...ask ppl to pull me out of it...but it was all in vain. I always told myself that I wouldnt fall into "spiritual coldness"...that I would find some way to get out...that going to a prayer and praise nights would solve that....that hearing some amazing speaker like Ravi Zacharias speak would solve that...that watching 722 would solve that....but it doesnt....because words are not enough. Everytime I think i've hit my lowest I go lower. I've never been in this state before so I admit I'm kinda lost. Not saying that I havent had struggles....but this is the time where I feel the most the burden of spiritual warfare. I've gone through this "warfare" state before...but this has been the most burdening yet. I can feel the lies and deceptions of satan creeeping up on me continuously...his lies posioning my mind and heart. I am more insecure than most...but it seems over this time...that insecurity...that unsureness....that shakiness in me has been magnified. The devil knows my weaknesses and is prying at them now. Words are not enough. Having said all that I also realize that this should be kinda a normal phase in the Christian walk. There is a law of undulation in the Christian walk. There will be high times and low times...thats a given...and its not bad to experience that. I guess what i do now will truly exemplify what I believe in..what I follow. Will I stop running this race? Its not the fact that Im in the valley now...and how I got there....its what am I going to do while I'm in there. I am experiencing silence from God right now...is that bad? I dont think so...though its not particularly good either. In God's silence to me He is trying to show me what I have lost....silence before Him. I have lost that awe and reverence for Him. This coming from a person who ppl know as one that ALWAYS talks about believers overlooking the majesty God requres...how ironic. Words are not enough.

Lord forgive me for my many words for sometimes I think I will be heard because of them...but You alone know what I need before I even pray. You alone know my heart better than anyone. You alone are my perfect fit...my perfect match. "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." (Is 6:5).

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corin 4:8-9)

Thank you father for you amazing grace...your amazing love...for Your faith and dedication to your people.

Queens

Well I just came back from a weekend up in K-town w/ some church friends. It was very fun and it was really cool to see the Queens campus. Mannn...its such a beautiful university...w/ the same cobble stone/lime stone finish on all the buildings. Just walking around on the campus you can kinda sense the heritage and prestige...heh. Man Terry's res is like a hotel...dang man...its awesome...queen size bed...private washroom. AND then theres Goodes Hall. The business building......man...made me want to be a commie in Queens. I dunno...for me...the first things that goes through my head when I'm on a different campus is "How would I feel if I was here?" "What would be different?" I admit I really would of liked to go to Queens...but I'd also of liked to of gone to Laurier too :P . But you know what? "The grass is always greener on the other side". Where ever I go.....the other uni will always seem better. Such is life right? I gotta learn to enjoy my time in Guelph...its tough considering business is unknown here....and buildings are soo ugly and profs are so bad....but some how....gotta see the beauty.

It was Terry's b-day today...and man...is he one popular guy on campus. Everyone came up to him to wish him happy b-day. I dont think he's ever gone through life being kinda invisible or forgotten. Im happy for him though...seems to be really enjoying himself there and make a lot of connections. I guess a part of me wants that popularity...that love...that affection from others. I think everyone deep down inside craves and desires to be loved and considered significant. This is ironic cuz its during a time where I feel quite alone...quite lost...and I feel like no one cares about me. One thing I know though. Even hope in people dissapoint...not to put down good friends....but humans are human. Only God alone can satisfy. After hearing Ravi Zacahrais speak on the Guelph campus....it helped me refocus a bit. His topic was "What Gives Life Meaning". He pointed out 4 key elements: wonder, truth, love, security. Man that was a wake up call for me. I realized that my wonder for and of God had somewhat faded away. His truth in my life has been watered down and unrealized....leading to my lack of experiencing His love and security...

the choices we make

Man..down in the dumps. Just finished all my coverletter writing for last night. Already got rejected from 2 positions....hows that for a deflator. One of them was a great job too...BMO. On top of that my friend got an interview and he sent me his coverletter and the first sentence had a grammatical error in it. Plus it was so "laxly" put together it seems....mannn....I honestly feel like I wont get a job. From all this my confidence has really taken a beating today. On top of that...1 person shows up to my small group today...I know 2 other ppl had circumstances....but man...what ironic timing.....what am I doing wrong?....I feel like such a failure....like im not leading this group properly.....no one seems motivated to come.....aiiiii

You know today I really was thinking about how things would be different if I went to Laurier. People that are close to me know that it always seems to be on my mind...but like....today I was practically dreaming. I guess it was triggered by all the circumstances that were happening in my life.....the struggles w/ my co-op jobs (and the realization that co-op in guelph aint that great), the fact that I'm not learning anything in my courses (ppl say its all about attititude...but for the past 2 years I've tried really hard...its not like i've given up and said screw it...i've put time and effort into the courses i've taken to really really try to learn...I feel my marks so that...but knowledge wise...its not really there) and finally I guess its been dragged on for a long time...but sometimes i feel like me and stace would still be good friends if I went to laurier. I wouldnt be in her face so much that'd I'd be a hinderence to her. Oh how I wish soooo much I could change some of my past decisions. I feel like I've made sooo many mistakes already....I honestly feel like I've dug myself in a hole coming to guelph...that my future is shaky cuz of this decision. Co-op is really weighing me down...like its become such a burden. I want a good job sooooooo bad...that I feel like God wont give it to me....cuz I want it that bad. I dunno why I have that mentality. I guess im scared...fustrated...worried...and angry all at once.

back in guelph

Well I'm back in G-town now....and was greeted by a wonderful online accounting quiz which i did bad on....GREAT!...that would be 2 in a row...kinda pissed right now....*breathe stretch shake...let it go*

Sorta weighed down by a couple of things right now...my lack of organization goin into this semester...i seems like i lost the ability to prioritize and "sense" how much work I have and hence feel a sense of urgency....but right now...everything seems to be ho hum...when its not...that cannot be a good thing. My spritual life is also quite shoddy...quite cold. I guess I need to learn discipline. I guess I feel very weighed down with the fact that I talk a lot...but dont seem to live up to those standards I speak of. Aiii....such a hyprocite. Leading bible studies and small group I tend to talk a lot....but I'm not backing this talk up in the way I live my life. A part of me wants to stop leading stuff cuz I feel my life is not in order right now...but I know that if God used only the people with their life in order and were strong and perfect...He'd have no servents at all...heh. Does that mean I'm justified to keep on living the way I do?...definiately not. At the beginning of this school year I had this whole notion on being silent before God...let my words be few...stop blabbing on about my problems to Him...cuz He already knew about them. I would just take 5-10 min to reflect on how great our God is...His amazing grace and love. That would keep me focused on the reverence and majesty He deserved from me. I realized that I have lost that silence. I continue to clutter it up w/ peoples voices...events...games...etc. Gotta start that up again....

Man...I feel like I'm the most selfish person in the world. Everything I think about or do always tries to serve ME ME ME. For example...when I'm trying to grow in my walk I have this motive in the back of my head thinking how more people will respect me that way. Man thats quite sad...and I'm sure God is quite displeased. I crave so much attention, respect and praise....I just want to be loved...liked...popular. So self absorbed. But Christ calls us to be the total opposite...but I feel that this selfishness and self serving mentality is born in me...a part of me...who I really am. However, after watching 722 I realized who I am is who God desires me to be. I am His child...I need to undergo a spiritual rebirth and get His genes...genes that say I'm no longer captive by my sinful nature...I am FREE....

in a slump

Man...i should be sleeping now....Im so pissed off at myself. I just cant back into the swing of things. Im disorganized...im behind....and im not fit >_<. ARGH not a good start to my semester...gotta keep that deans list goin! Gotta find myself right now...im still too consumed w/ my struggle w/ my emotions towards someone...man....im such a loser...she probably thinks im a loser too. *slap slap slap* "Get your act together!" BAHHH....need to motivate myself in devotion first...then the studying and work ethic will come...i know it. Mannnn....not too many jobs for coop....im starting to think I wont get a job for my term....oh well if that happens just gotta trust and have faith. God's in control of my life....in the end He's the one that writes my paycheck.

I guess I realized something. Shes probably already forgotten about me. Seriously...well I moop around...shes feeling good and having a good time. She talked to me on monday...first thing she said..."oh I have your router"...hi to you too..hehe. I guess that response shows her that its not even a grain of sand in her mind. I am such a retard. Well this is probably better for her. Now she wont have to deal w/ me...and in the back of her mind she's probably thinking....not missing anything...with that frienship gone.....no seriously. Shes got a real good frienship base already. I've seen her get real troubled over relational problems....not even that...just the fact that some ppl wont attend an event....that really shows she cares for them. I guess I have my answer.

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him"
- Todd Fields (722 worship leader)

Nothing but the Blood

Matt Redman



Chorus:

What can wash away our sins?

What can make us whole again?

Nothing but the blood

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

What can wash as pure as snow?

Welcomed as the friends of God?

Nothing but Your blood

Nothing but Your blood, King Jesus

held captive by my emotions

Well Im at my friends house right now...kind of taking a break from all the mahjong playing...hehe. I let the smallest things get the best of me always...always letting them effect me and hurt me...while for normal ppl it would probably mean nothing to them. Aiii...why am I the way I am? Just seeing someones name saying "[in loo]" hurts...cuz I kno that person is visiting someone...jealousy?...yea i guess so. Why am I like that? I wish I could be blind to these things...numb to my feelings...dammit!...so fustrated at myself. I guess a part of me wants her to feel bad or sad for me...but thats not going to change anything....such a selfish thought....i really gotta start seeing situations from outside my view point. Shes happy w/ the person she likes now...I should be happy...if not happy then at least accept it and move on. God has told me so many times to move on and I didnt listen....so the state I'm in now is purly my fault. I'm captive by my own emotions. Im a kinda person that thinks a lot and looks deeper than most...and i guess that can be a curse sometimes. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for everything...for the grumpyness...saddness...everything....her life would be better if i wasnt in it...therefore maybe I should just do that. I know that this will trouble me a lot longer than it will her....but I kinda deserve that feeling...she doesnt. By not being friends...she'll forget about everything in like 2 weeks....and she'll forget I ever existed in like 4 weeks. But me? I know it'll wrench my heart for much longer...I know that I'll be thinking about the situation way after...while she moves on...but thats ok....I've dragged enough crap into her life. I need to prevent that from happening again. I really want to be friends...but its a struggle...cuz then i'd just be a friend hiding behind the image of a friend...while deeply I'd want to be more....such is life...

insecurity?

I seem to be quite tempermental. One day I'll feel like everythings under control, my mind has a positive spin on every situation, I'll feel secure...with my decisions...placement etc and I'll be resting in God's graces. Then the next day can be totally contrary. I'll be doubting why Im at this university...in this program...I'll feel insecure about who I am...doubting God's promises for me, feel very introverted...like i want to hide away from the world, feel the weight of my sinful nature and jus have this really crappy moody feeling. Whats wrong with me? Aiii...I feel like I'm like that for everything. At work...one day I'll be like the best employee ever..the next...i'll be so lazy and unmotivated. Man i need consistancy! I really gotta focus on devotions more. This is the thing that'll keep me on track...re-align myself w/ my creator....man I understand ups and downs in the Christian walk...but like...varying daily?! Maybe thats just the way I am....

My heart still pains from the past. Its nearly been 2 years since my heart was crushed and it still seems like Im still picking up the pieces. Everyone tells me it takes time....and I guess they're right...in due time...things just fade away and are forgotten. Too bad I have a very good memory when it comes to these things. I can't even decifer what I'm feeling right now. A bit of anger...fustration...jealousy...bitterness....saddness....guilt...insecurity....you name it. I wish I was stronger...more secure...less emotional...aiii...i wish so bad. People dont understand how it still affects me now...that the news of that someone liking another person can still hurt so much. I can't give them an answer...I wish things were different....but they're not....and by asking why this happend is saying that I can run this world better than God can. It was the first time I truly opened myself up to someone...and well i guess it was the first time I felt rejection...felt the sting of being let go. Man I tried so hard...gave it my all....sounds cheesy...but it was true. As a guy its a tough pill to swollow; that your best wasnt good enough. And thats why I take all those "boys are stupid throw rocks at them" goods so personally cuz it hurts me. Its like thats what I get for trying my hardest...for giving my heart. I get "boys are stupid"....gee thanks. All girls have these "dreams or visions" of what the true ideal guy is..."the one"...."their love"...with all these standards attached to them...I understand girls being insecure abt themselves b/c of the label media puts on woman...and well thats out of my control...but for guys...man the burden to meet all these standards is so heavy. Im just human! You know what u'll get?...my best...thats all I can guarentee you...but i guess it doesnt seem to be enough...

aiiii....

I finally have my schedule done. I changed it again last night at like 9 pm at someones house. Squeezed into the last spot of the class....how sad. Geography wasnt as bad as I thought...prof was somewhat humourous...though my friend said that his midterms are killer...ughhh....thast the least of my concerns....i want to take things that are interesting to ME and beneficial to ME....I am after all paying for it. Anyway...im closing this topic down now..haha


First time to the gym in like 4 weeks...man...its like starting from scratch again..hah. Felt like such a noob....LOL. Yea really tired and thirsty...man im so out of it. Its gonna take a lot to get back into shape for the dboat season...im actually doubting if I can make a positive impact on my team this year...last year...I BARELY held my own....so i gotta step it up...but like my body is not responding...ive been stuck at the same weights since late summer....sucks! Hopefully I can muster up enough determination to stick w/ it despite the "small gains".

Mannn....im sooo annoyed w/ whats goin on w/ my laptop. I thought I picked up the perfect laptop for such an awesome price...and well the laptop is awesome....but I made some dumb mistakes. First off....i should've gotten built in wireless....this lack of an option has screwed me over. Because of this....I went to a supposed auth ibm place to get the card installed....instead he jus screwed up my laptop. Acutally theres not wrong w/ it....its all visual...but it still pisses me off. screws are missing...coverings are gone...the keyboard is not in properly!...geez! *breathes* And u kno what....the card didnt work...so it was all for nothing. And jus recently I realized that the bottom of the screen was warped....so im gonna have that checked out...but ibm might find it fishy that screws are missing...so i dunno...kinda concerned abt that. One thing i gotta do is step back and realize this is just a machine...a material good....yes it was a big investment for me...so i'd like it to be in good working order....but I gotta again remember...its not my money....its God's...everything I supposedly possess is God's...im jus a steward of His wealth...I need to realize that.

first day

Well its the end of my first day of "classes"...its been a rough day...a tough start to the semester. I want to scream and yell at this university and myself. Man...i had 3 courses still on my time table as of 11:30 pm. Now I have 5 finally....am i happy?...not really. I took 2 courses that I really dont want to take...kinda forced myself to...last of the last choices...i feel like im throwing my money and time away. Geez man...every freakin course is either full or restricted. Did I not pay to be in this university to take courses?...or am i just here to roam around like a retard?! Aiiii....sometimes I wish I didnt go to guelph...like man...looking at the coop positions....experiencing all these bad profs....crappy course selections....bad facilities and dealing w/ not being able to fill out my schedule just piss me off. I look at the postings and just don't feel in anyway that this university has prepared me with enough knowledge to even take these jobs.....

I always doubt...doubt why I'm here...why im studying what im studying....its rather sad....i need to shake up the way i think. I need to realize my security does not lie in the world. I need to live by His grace everyday...realizing that I will make mistakes...and when I do...I am not alone. I guess making the decision to come here...choosing all the wrong courses first year...has made me very paranoid in making another wrong decision. So right now I'm over analyzing everything in hopes I can control the outcome....fact of the matter is....I CANT. I need to realize no matter how much I try to prep or control the odds....its not up to me. I guess I'm trying to live a life w/ no mistakes....impossible. I need to develop the faith that when I do make those mistakes....God will see me through it....and that He'll use that situation to build me up and bring glory to His name...cuz thats all that matters....

back in Guelph

Well this marks the end of my winter break. I've just finished unpacking and now im settling in. I still need to resolve certain time table conflicts...arghh. I'm a little sad right now...i guess its cuz im away from home, family and friends...ppl i've seen nearly everyday for the past 3 weeks. Give me a couple of days and Guelph will feel like home again ;)

The co-op application process has begun and I guess I'm feeling kinda insecure about that. I see the jobs posted and well I dont know if I'll like them...but more importantly...can I even impress the employers enough to give me a chance? There are soo many co-op commerce students...what do I have over them? This is definately a thing I need to commit to prayer...not so that I can get the best job or whatever...but more so to help me realize that this job is for HIM not for me. As much as i want to believe that its for my sake....money...experience...networking....I need to realize everything on this earth is not mine...it was never mine from the start. All the money I make is His....the experience I gain....is for His purpose and desires for me. So i guess I need to learn to surrender here. I need to trust that if things don't go "right" in MY EYES...that He's still in control. Scared...yes..

Winter Break

Well for me winter break is winding down now and I'm sadden not w/ the thought of returning to school (ok...that was sort of a lie), but more so in the fact that I haven't accomplished anything significant over the break. During exam week, I had in mind a lot of quiet time...prayer time...reflection for the new year....on school....the guelph fellowship...and the next steps I needed to take in my walk. However, the break has been anything but that. I've actually been working at the hospital more than I had hoped for =P I called in asking if they needed help and thought maybe a couple of shifts could help pay for some gifts..hehe...but i ended up working like 6/7 days last week. So yea...yesterday was my last day...cuz i took the rest of the week off...i figured i needed a break from school and work...hah.

So anyway, this break has just been busy busy. Because of the fact that I worked so much and became tired...i guess i was kinda selfish w/ my time. Anytime I had off I'd go hang out w/ friends....mj...shopping...or jus chilling...and that made me more tired. I realized that i didnt give myself....or rather God the time that He was due. This lack of time spent w/ God has been evident in my daily walk. I've realized that I've strayed from the vine....

God has none the less shown me something. It was during boxing day....I was futureshop waiting in line in the cold at like 6 am....geez looking back on it now it seems so dumb. But yea...i looked around and saw all these ppl freezing their butts off waiting in line. Then when the doors open theres a mad scramble for "cheap" items. People are pushing, shoving, yelling....courtesy has gone out the window. And then I realized what ppl are willing to do just to save a couple of bucks. How much worth and value do we put into these goods? Aiiii.....im jus a materialist...I find it kinda ironic to see the Tsunami hit during this time of the year. I think God's trying to all tell us something. While in North America we're stressing over trying to find the "perfect deals" and going through all this trouble to obtain more material wealth....ppl on the other side of the world are dealing w/ devestation....death and dustruction. How isolated and blind I have become. There is a world outside my own.....