relection

What is the chief end of man?
The chief end of man is to glorify God (1), and enjoy Him forever (2).
- Westminster Catechism

(1)
- 1 Corinthians 10:31. Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
- Romans 11:36. For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen.

(2)
- Psalm 73:24-26. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God isthe strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
- John 17:22, 24. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one... Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world.


I have always known the part about glorifying God...but it seems through most of my walk w/ God i have ignored the "enjoy" part. I've always viewed life as a test God puts us through...one that we have to endure through and then when our life is over we can stand before the throne knowing we have passed the test on earth and only now can we "enjoy life"...eternal life. This is not to say that I live life only b/c of the expectance of rewards in heaven…I knew my role…I was the created…He was the creator. I had no right to argue with Him. He loves me…I know that because of the cross…and I continued living only b/c of that love and that I love Him. So I lived life just enduring anything that came my way…knowing that was what God wanted me to go through. I wasn’t bitter…but I definitely had no joy. As of late I realized thats not how it works and I think this statement of faith reveals the second half that I've missed most of my walk...."TO ENJOY HIM FOREVER". I look back at my life and I see where I obtained that mindset from. All my life I felt the noble or “better” thing to do was to go the path that is the rockiest…the path that invokes the most hardship and struggle….and that I thought was the best path…the right path…the path God wanted me to take. Im not saying I always took that path…but it seemed when I experienced an “easy pathway” or a “break” in life I’d felt guilty for taking it cause it “wasn’t suppose to be like that”. When I was young I had a lot of desires and I never received them. As I matured I realized that those desires were selfish and not for God…so from then on I took another view…anything I desired was not right…that I should ignore my desires and ambitions because if I enjoyed it or liked it or loved it or felt good about it, it was bad…and it couldn’t of been from God. This mindset was further strengthened more than 2 years ago, when I pursued something with someone. I battled my feeling for a very long time trying not to pay attention to them. I soon realized that it was fruitless to do so and that I couldn’t just bottle it all up. I gave it to God daily and to the best of my abilities tried to make Him the centre of everything. With that things started to look very positive, and I began to think that maybe I was allowed to feel good. However, it didn’t last too long and in the end it still folded up. I guess this was the stamp that sealed my mindset that I couldn’t pursue my desires. I have yet to recover from the “loss” and I look back and that is probably the one situation that I look back on to reject the idea that God wants me to be happy….

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.”
- Todd Fields (722 Worship leader)

However, then I realized I can’t do the first part (glorify God) without experiencing the latter statement (enjoy Him forever). I absolutely love this quote from Todd…and the first time I heard it hit me hard. I cannot allow worldly situations and circumstances to warp my view of who God is to me…to us. To this moment I am still struggling to with the thought that “God wants me to be happy”. A lot of my reflection time has been mulling over how God views me. Kevin told me that a lot of the notions I have about God are because of the way I view myself. Many people know that I am very hard on myself and don’t give myself any breaks. So he told me to look at myself through God’s eyes…not through mine. Then I saw that I was wonderfully made for Him. That He designed my blueprint to the finest detail. My purpose is for His enjoyment…I was made for one purpose…to love Him… BUT ALSO to be loved by Him. He was all this heart was made for. An epiphany came to me; everyone commits sin, pursues dreams, material things, companionship, and positive experiences for what? To fill a void in their lives. Everyone has this “void”…EVERYONE. Why? Because God engineered it that way. He made us with that void SPECIFICALLY to be filled by Him. So whenever we pursue other things that are not Him…we feel unsatisfied. Everything falls short because our heart was perfectly fit for Him…anything else is a chasing after the wind.

So what now? As I try to overcome heartache, rejection, a lack of direction in school, temptation and sin I am really trying to realize that He was all this heart was made for….really trying to delight in Him and be satisfied…cause I know…all those “problems” above will fall into place once I embrace that.

Sunday April 10th

This day started off kinda surreal for me. Man....my dad got baptized today...God is good i must say. I didnt show too much emotion throughout the service...i dunno...kinda in shock...kinda just silently enjoying the whole thing. 3-4 years ago i would've never even pictured my dad coming to church w/ us and now this? Like all of us he's got a long way to go...but everyone has their own learning curves i guess...hehe. After service we went to richlane and ate jap food while the rest of the fellwship went to another restuarant w/i the same plaza...haha.

Then there was 15th anniversary dinner for the church. It was good to be with church ppl again and stuff.....but as i type this i must say im a bit saddened after the evening. Things werent the same as before i guess. I realized how much we've all grown up and stuff and how time is flying by. Terry, bel, tiff, jason, brent and the bees werent there for starters...and i guess that just shows times have changed....different cities...different paths. *sigh* I guess i wished things went back to the way they were. I remember goin to this event 2 years ago and having a blast and after the dinner just hangin out and talk w/ a special someone...aiiii....memories.....none the less....must continue to live by phillipians 3:12-14....gotta just continue straining ahead...and looking forward to the next move God is gonna make in other ppls lives...thats something to take joy in and be excited about for sure.

Speaking of future....its never been so uncertain for me before. I dont know where i'll be in summer.....i dont even know where I'll be in september. Co-op search isnt goin too well but i'm keeping my head up and realizing that God has everything in control....gotta focus outside of myself. Scared? For sure...but i cant lean on my own understanding in this time. I think whats concering me more is whether I should transfer uni's or not. I got til may 1st to make that decision....and man I've been mulling it over for sooooooooo long. I've cut the pie every way you can cut it....pros cons and everything...and I'm stumped. I've looked at academics...ive looked past academics....and im like tearing my hair out!#!!@ A friend once told me that God gives us more freedom than we think when we make decision like these....that He's not gonna restricted us from a place or whatever....and I think thats very true. But I also like to believe that God does have a preference on where He wants me to be. I talked to kev about this and he told me there may come a time when i just need to make a decision...but you also gonna have faith that God can reveal to ppl "as clear as writing on the wall" on where to go. So right now lies my predicament. Should I wait for God to reveal sth or am I waiting in vain?...maybe God just wants me to make a decision and trust Him that where every I'll go...i'll still be in His hands. gahhhhhh. I watched an old 722 series and it was sooo cool...cause it was talking about decisions. Louie said that ppl are so concerned about being in the right place...in the right program...in the right college....while God is more focused on WHO you are rather than what you're doing or where you are. People are more concerned trying to find the right person rather than trying to be the person God intended you to be....people are more concerned with obtaining the right things rather than being a reflection of God. Man that hit me....it was true....i had that mentality but somewhere along the way I lost the way...
"He has shown you O man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
im steadly falling more and more in love w/ this passage. you wanna know "God's will for your life"??...well its right here. Louie said....where every you go...act justly...love mercy...walk humbly w/ the Lord...focus more on that then on being in the right place. "dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness" until it is your time to move on....WOW WOOW!!!!. soooo cool man. God is good. so yea....guleph or laurier....doesnt matter i guess....haha. I admit im leaning more towards laurier right now....and im just trying to be sure of myself...cause man...last month...my mindset changed like every day....i'd wake up one morhing and be like...man i wanna stay in guelph...the next day i'd wake up...man get me outta here.....haha...im so crazy. so yea right now im just trying to kinda let it all go and find peace w/ my decision. no longer gonna listen to ppl...cause everyone is saying something different....God is the only one that matters.