what if..

"What If"
Babyface

I ran into a friend of yours the other day
And I asked her how you've been
She said my girl is fine; just bought a house, got a job, real good man
I told her I was glad for you; that's wonderful
But does she ever ask `bout me?
She said she's happy with her life right now
Let her go, let her be
And I told myself I would, but something in my heart just would not let you go
I just wanna know

[Chorus:]
What if we were wrong about each other?
What if you were really made for me?
What if we was `sposed to be together?
Would that not mean anything?
What if that was `sposed to be my house that you go home to every day?
How can you be sure that things are better?
If you can't be sure your heart is still here with me
Still wanting me

Your friend asked me if there was someone special in my life that I was seeing
I told her there was no one in particular
There's just I, myself, and me
I told her that I dream of you quite often
She just cut her eyes at me
She said you got a home, you're very happy
So just stop your meddling
I told her that I won't
I said things were cool, but I guess I was wrong
I still can't move on

[Chorus]

Now that could be my car
That could be my house
That could be my baby boy that you're nursing
That could be the trash that I always take out
That could be the chair that I love to chill in
That could be my food on the table at the end of the day
Hugs and the kisses, all the love we make
What the hell do you expect me to say?
What if it's really `sposed to be this way?
What if you're really `sposed to be with me?

Hating...

*sigh*...i really hating the person I am becoming or have become. Its like I cant even remember the last time when I was filled w/ joy and happiness. For the longest time I've been this depressed, sad, "hang my head as low as I can" person. I'm so sick of everything....school...my program...people that say they care but really dont....LIFE. I feel miserable and I just cant pick myself up. I dont want to live like this...I dont want to continue on dragging myself through life being hindered by baggage I shouldnt have to carry. You know, it sucks to give ur heart to someone and have then just step on it like it wasnt even there...it sucks to know that the university that you SHOULD'VE choosen is really learning stuff and has good profs and admins running the school while the place you ENDED UP choosing is crap...it sucks to have to endure a program that I thought was good...but am getting nothing out of...it sucks to see other ppl getting interviews and jobs while I'm here writing my blog like a loser. For those of you who see me like this and wonder why or think "why is he always down?" Well you dont kno what it is like to be alone...to have ppl that dont understand you. to fight battles that no one can help you w/. You know I really do want to see who God truly wants me to be but I cant....I honestly cant....all I see is failure and short comings. Its who I am.

Reading week

Well that went by fast. I actually did do some reading and studying over the break. Central library became my second home...heh. Man combine retreat and reading week together and I've had a long time to reflect and think about stuff. I dunno if thats a good or bad thing...cuz it aint fun to be weighed down by so many things. Man...theres jus too many things in my head and emotions goin right now I dont even know how to deal with it. So i guess I'm gonna keep it short. I feel like I'm in a battle everyday....and.....im losing.

reflection of days passed

Just came back from the ACF retreat in muskoka. Man...what a place...now I know why they call that "God's Country". So peaceful and "uninterfeared" with...haha. Theme was stewardship and the whole retreat was a good time of personal reflection for me. I battled a lot during this weekend though....just my selfish desires. I knew this retreat was all about bonding and sharing the walk w/ each other and about lifting up God as our main priority but yet again...my mind was focusing on my own problems and desires. A bit of everything I guess....program problems and uncertainty...co-op burdens....my "friendship" w/ someone...everything...it all comes down on me when I try to get away from it....The sad thing is for the first time in a long while during worship sessions and sharing times...I just wanted to not be there. I didnt feel like worshipping...didnt feel like taking part in any of the activities. I just wanted to run away from everything and everybody. I ate most of the meals by myself and hardly talked to anyone over the retreat. My heart was just not there. I can still say it was a good retreat cause it allowed me to look around and see what God was doing in other ppls lives. That this group of ppl really appreciates and loves each other....and I am really happy for that. So right now im just mad at my selfishness...wishing that I could let go of my jealousy and bitterness for things. I hate the fact that im like this....that it seems so natural for me to act like this. I talked to kevin about 2 weeks ago and he was telling me to find how God views me....what i'm worth to Him...my identity in Him....who He ment me to be. After that it started out good....God was slowly showing me stuff...but then during retreat I was so angry at myself for acting the way I was....and I just could not see who God desired me to be.....I know it was not to be like this....

Words are not enough

Its been a long time since I've posted. In fact it seems like a long time since I've done good in God's eyes. I have wandered from the path, talking the talking but walking in darkness. Words are not enough. I realize that Im on a spiritual down turn right now...i've been in the valley for quite a while. I've tried to will myself out of it....fight myself out of it...ask ppl to pull me out of it...but it was all in vain. I always told myself that I wouldnt fall into "spiritual coldness"...that I would find some way to get out...that going to a prayer and praise nights would solve that....that hearing some amazing speaker like Ravi Zacharias speak would solve that...that watching 722 would solve that....but it doesnt....because words are not enough. Everytime I think i've hit my lowest I go lower. I've never been in this state before so I admit I'm kinda lost. Not saying that I havent had struggles....but this is the time where I feel the most the burden of spiritual warfare. I've gone through this "warfare" state before...but this has been the most burdening yet. I can feel the lies and deceptions of satan creeeping up on me continuously...his lies posioning my mind and heart. I am more insecure than most...but it seems over this time...that insecurity...that unsureness....that shakiness in me has been magnified. The devil knows my weaknesses and is prying at them now. Words are not enough. Having said all that I also realize that this should be kinda a normal phase in the Christian walk. There is a law of undulation in the Christian walk. There will be high times and low times...thats a given...and its not bad to experience that. I guess what i do now will truly exemplify what I believe in..what I follow. Will I stop running this race? Its not the fact that Im in the valley now...and how I got there....its what am I going to do while I'm in there. I am experiencing silence from God right now...is that bad? I dont think so...though its not particularly good either. In God's silence to me He is trying to show me what I have lost....silence before Him. I have lost that awe and reverence for Him. This coming from a person who ppl know as one that ALWAYS talks about believers overlooking the majesty God requres...how ironic. Words are not enough.

Lord forgive me for my many words for sometimes I think I will be heard because of them...but You alone know what I need before I even pray. You alone know my heart better than anyone. You alone are my perfect fit...my perfect match. "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." (Is 6:5).

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corin 4:8-9)

Thank you father for you amazing grace...your amazing love...for Your faith and dedication to your people.