Well Im at my friends house right now...kind of taking a break from all the mahjong playing...hehe. I let the smallest things get the best of me always...always letting them effect me and hurt me...while for normal ppl it would probably mean nothing to them. Aiii...why am I the way I am? Just seeing someones name saying "[in loo]" hurts...cuz I kno that person is visiting someone...jealousy?...yea i guess so. Why am I like that? I wish I could be blind to these things...numb to my feelings...dammit!...so fustrated at myself. I guess a part of me wants her to feel bad or sad for me...but thats not going to change anything....such a selfish thought....i really gotta start seeing situations from outside my view point. Shes happy w/ the person she likes now...I should be happy...if not happy then at least accept it and move on. God has told me so many times to move on and I didnt listen....so the state I'm in now is purly my fault. I'm captive by my own emotions. Im a kinda person that thinks a lot and looks deeper than most...and i guess that can be a curse sometimes. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for everything...for the grumpyness...saddness...everything....her life would be better if i wasnt in it...therefore maybe I should just do that. I know that this will trouble me a lot longer than it will her....but I kinda deserve that feeling...she doesnt. By not being friends...she'll forget about everything in like 2 weeks....and she'll forget I ever existed in like 4 weeks. But me? I know it'll wrench my heart for much longer...I know that I'll be thinking about the situation way after...while she moves on...but thats ok....I've dragged enough crap into her life. I need to prevent that from happening again. I really want to be friends...but its a struggle...cuz then i'd just be a friend hiding behind the image of a friend...while deeply I'd want to be more....such is life...
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