the "softer side"

I always have a lot of things to blog about but when I sit down and actually attempt to write something I don't know where to start. I guess this is why I seldom ever write about my thoughts/epiphanies...but here goes...


Lets begin with Campus Challenge. Like always, when I am prodded (forced is too strong of a word) to go to any of these conferences or big gatherings I'm very reticent in regards to the actual worth or purpose of going. I see these conferences as sometimes causing more harm than good. A weekend away with a bunch of "friends", speaker and fancy worship team can make your feelings and emotions tell your head that things have actually changed in your life when in reality that may not be the case. Now I'm not bashing CC or declaring that everyone there is just experience emotional highs, but I think this is something that take heart of because I am a very emotional person. I can get emotionally charged about anything and if I feel like I want to do something, nothing can stop me. On the contrary, if i don't feel like doing anything its gonna take a lot of effort to get me to try. So being wired as more of a "feeler" than a "thinker" (Myers Briggs) I've learned to guard my heart in these situations. However, like I always do I probably take it overboard. There is a point in time I need to realize that when God is in control He can supersede any act of man...or mistake for that matter. Thus, if I go into these things with a heart thats after God I'm sure there is "value" to be found. All in all, nothing profound was revealed during CC but it was a good time to just bond w/ my committee. However, one program dearly spoke out to me. This program involved reporting to the "station" that represented a significant idol in your life. The 4 categories were:
1) Academics and success
2) Intimacy
3) Self image
4) Escapism

Which one did I choose? It was never more loud and clear in my life....ESCAPISM. The girl who led this group said that station 1) dealt w/ the idol of security, station 2) loneliness 3) self esteem...so what was 4? The word itself seems to be sort of made up or molded to the situation...but it fits perfectly. Escapism deals with ALL those factors and more. How many times have I found myself spending countless hours watching youtube, surfing the net aimlessly, hibernating in my room watching episode after episode of TV shows...even re-watching scenes over and over, day dreaming, regretting....It was a couple of weeks ago that I had a meeting out of the blue w/ a close brother of mine who was struggling w/ the same hurdles as me. I kid you not, it was like we were spitting images of each other. We shared about each others floundering walks. One topic came up...discipline and time management. Why did we waste time doing the things we did? "It's a form of escapism..." Fast forward a couple of weeks later and I'm sitting on the floor in the Trent cafeteria listening to this girl talk about escapism being an idol in our lives. The act of escapism was the key facilitator in me trying to fill a void that only God could fill and fully satisfy. I spent countless hours immersing myself in "stuff"that I hoped would bring me joy or comfort...excitement or relief...and if I didn't find satisfaction in any of those things then the act itself would just allow me to run away and forget that I even had a void in the first place. I realize I'm running away from the worldly worries and academic challenges I face, I'm running away from the loneliness that rests in my heart, I'm running away from myself cause I'm not satisfied with who I am, I'm running away from reality cause it just seems to be filled with pain and angst. Does this sound like a follower of Christ to you? *sighhh* So now that I realize the error of my ways why can't I just seek God and find satisfaction in Him? In all honesty, its because I don't know how. My walk with God has always been classified as "tough love". I realized that He is my Lord and King. With that I knew He had every right to do what He wanted to do with my life. Thats not to say that I never questioned Him (I'm definitely not that obedient). But I kinda approached my life on earth like "thats the way it is...it may suck but God decides what happens." So I approached life on earth as more of a test and a refining process. So much crap needed to be ironed out in me that my life on earth would be such a long painstaking journey of stumbling and learning. I felt as if though the true "prize" or joy could only be realized when I went to heaven and was face to face w/ my Lord. As you can see "enjoying God" has been tough for me to grasp. I know God's love is great...but for me I've always felt that joyous life was reserved for other people...not me...

So ironic that the sermon topic this past Sunday was "Enjoying God". The speaker began with this...

The Westminster Catechism:
What is the chief end of man?
Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.

I've always preached the fire and brimstone side of God. I've always been adamant with people who are too mushy gushy about their faith...that its not always about feeling and love. Now I realized I've done that all out of pride. I'm too prideful to show my vulnerability in needing to experience and see the softer side of God. That I was created to have a relationship with Him...to enjoy Him and love Him. My heart of created for Him alone. This void I seek to fill is for Him and only Him. Please Lord, help to find satisfaction in You. This world only holds disappointment.

duality

Its been a LONG time since i've been here. Funny how I always turn to this place in times of desperation...sorrow...pain...but never joy. If you were to ask the people around me how they thought Liu was doing...they'd probably answer..."he should be fine...he cracks jokes...talks passionately about certain issues...why?" And with that, I realized my duality. I can be one person in front of company and friends...and a totally different person when I'm alone...which is to say...very scary. What's interesting is that one episode of Heroes had a quote that related to my circumstances so accurately - "You get to know people when you see them and they think they're alone. You see them for who they truly are, selfish, deceitful and gassy." If people really knew who I was when I was alone...or from the inside...i'd probably loose most if not all the friends I know. I do a very good job of hiding struggles and my "bad sides" for the most part. However, I think a lot of who I really am is coming to the surface more and more amongst my church friends. When I first started attending this church and began to learn and grow spiritually...i threw off (or covered up) a lot of the crap I was. I guess a lot of that is re-surfacing again. My ability to add lib eloquently is one of my "strengths" but lately it has become my demise. It allows me to talk "spiritual" even when the opposite is occurring inside of me. I could be rotting on the inside spiritually and emotionally but still give off the perceived image that everything is A-ok and that Liu knows his doctrine. God has definitely hit me over the head in this regards. I am so top heavy...as in...a lot of head knowledge and very very little substance in the heart *sigh*. I feel like a complete farce. I tell ppl so passionately about my views on church, fellowship spiritual progression and yet...I really have nothing to show for it other than empty words. This is complete Pharisee behaviour. On judgement day I cannot come before His throne and say I told people this and that...I spoke in front of fellowship...on the pulpit and think that is enough. Words mean absolutely nothing. Oh my...what have I become. As I sit in front of my laptop typing...all I can wonder is who I will be 10 years from now. Louie once said in one of his sermons "the person you are going to be 10 years from now is just an AMPLIFICATION of who you are now"...if thats true...I'm in for a rude awakening. Oh Lord where did I loose myself. I have such a keen lust for the flesh, material objects,admiration, status, popularity...that I've lost myself. Have I gone too far to be changed?...too far to be healed...rescued...saved? My head tells me no but sadly my heart tells me yes.

Godly Sorrow.

"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it--I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while--yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldy sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."

- 2 Corinthians 7:8-11

My prayer...for as long as I can pray it.

Silence.

SWITCHFOOT
Adding To The Noise

What's it gonna take
to slow us down
to let the silence spin us around?
What's it gonna take
to drop this town?
We've been spinning at the speed of sound.

Stepping out of those convenience stores
what could we want but more more more?
From the third world
to the corporate core
we are a symphony of modern humanity

If we're adding to the noise
turn off this song
If we're adding to the noise
turn off your stereo, radio, video

I dont know
what they're gonna think of next
genetic engineers of the most high tech
A couple new ways
to fall into debt
I'm a nervous wreck but I'll bet
that that T.V. set
tells us what we've wanted to hear
But none of these sound bites
are coming in clear
From the third world to the corporate ear
we are the symphony of modern humanity.

scary.

so my eyes are in Right field and I'm watching the relay to the cut off. Next I see a crowd in left field. There she is...blood dripping on the grass. No its not just a cut lip. I stand helpless and useless. Was it bound to happen? Hard projectiles and swinging of big bats...sooner or later someone was gonna get in the way of one of those.

ER. Opened her wallet and handed the triage nurse the health card. Picture. Don't look...just get the card and close the wallet. Dont think. Too late, my heart is already dying out. From one waiting room to another...time goes by and nothing happens...didnt even get ice...had to ask the security guard....GAH. The worst part of all this was when I so dearly wanted to comfort and assure....wanted to protect and care for....wanted to console and bear....i realized yet again that its not my place to do that anymore. Sigh.

cant run away forever

Well its been 4 days since my last exam and while everyone was so relieved that they finished...i wasnt. For the past 2 weeks its been intense studying. In the whole process you forget a lot of things...including your problems. You become engrossed in challenges that lay ahead and witness those around in that same mode of preparation. So the ironic thing is, it was during this time...heat of exam week...heat of studying and pressure that I felt the most free. I felt free from the problems that I left back at home. Free from everything. Now that exams are over as well as my year I now realize that cant run away forever. Im going to have to deal w/ summer...and all that goes along with it...whether I like it or not. Call me a freak but the past 2 weeks I was free...and now I fell burdened...now I feel like every week is a challenge...an obstacle. Oh how I wish I was back in Loo...away from it all...but then I realize i cant keep running...I cant keep avoiding...the only reason Im in this position is because of myself...b/c of my mistakes...I have no one else to blame but me.

As coach of my softball team this year I have a lot of fears...fears that this will all blow up in my face. I am totally unqualified to lead this team...I dont possess the expertise nor knowledge to lead this team. But I guess its all the more reason to be dependant on the One who is unfailing. Staying on the topic of softball, I really think God does have a sense of humour. The biggest struggle of my life He is asking me to face everytime I play softball. Its something that Im going to have to deal w/ every practice...every game...every outing...aiii...why does it have to be so difficult...i guess this is what I deserve for avoiding and hiding away for the past 2 months.

Admist all this struggle, looking back...God has been gracious. I really enjoyed what I learned this past year and felt that I was pushed and stretched in certain areas academically...which what I always wanted. There were times I did want to give up...but I still managed by the grace of God. God has surrounded me w/ a group that is wonderful and supportive. I have really drawn close to these individuals and again...by God's grace. Then there the infamous co-op. 13 interviews....12 more than I got last year. Man...looking back I have grown so much in this aspect...I now realize how unprepared I was last year for a job...and that God's timing is indeed the best. My prayer/focus now is that I'll not get caught up in all the glitz and glamour of the name and fame that comes w/ landing "big" jobs w/ "big" companies. One step at a time...cant forget where the source is.

wrestling w/ inner demons

Its now been 2 days removed from winter retreat. I must say that things happend during retreat where I know that only God could bring about. It was something to witness...how the devo i wrote and another person wrote...the bible studies and the sermons all fit so seamlessly together...and this was w/o any prior interaction. I can tell you from experience that if God is burdening the hearts of more than 1 person w/ the same thing...He's definitely speaking. It was an awesome time of fellowship and just a great time to get away from everything. I thank God that He has blessed me w/ these brothers and sisters. Everywhere I have gone He has been faithful in proving support in that respect.

As retreat came to a close, I shared to the fellowship on how when we leave these 4 walls that the devil will try to counter the progress we made. It was a testiment to all that had happend in those 3 short days....but I knew that when the emotions died down and "regular life" set in the devil would be waiting. I told the fellowship that we need to be ready and since the topic was community that we needed to support eachother in prayer. It is definitely ironic how things work. I realized that I declared a lot of things w/ my lips during retreat and I think I was definitely the first one to witness a "counter attack". Not even a day after retreat I hear news that the position that I wanted so badly closed up. Now, ordinarily I would be sad...but this time I'm completely CRUSHED. The reason was because God carried me through the entire process. He opened doors and gave me strength for a position that was so highly regarded and such great experience. I thought I had no chance but God blessed me w/ an interview (completely His intervention). Upon interviewing I met the department and staff and wanted to work there sooo much more. Well weeks passed and then I found out that I was at the top of their hiring list!!! They indicated to co-op that they intended to hiring but were delaying the process b/c the VP was sick. This was all prior to the retreat. Co-op said complications could occur where I would not get the position and I understood that. But it definitely felt good that I came so far. So then Monday morning the news:
"I got bad news Jonathan. Fairmont has decided that they are not going to hire for the summer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....The most extreme thing...the only thing that could of went wrong, did. The job was at my finger tips!!!! Its not like I didnt earn the job or didnt have the opportunity...it all was falling into place. It was such a tease!! I met the staff had the interview...i tasted it...and then it was taken away! Last summer I didnt get a co-op job and the ppl that were close to me knew how much it wore on me. Coming into this term I was burdened w/ the same baggage and demons telling me that "you're not good enough"..."you dont deserve a good job"..."God never gives you what you want". As the co-op process proceeded I felt God put to rest many of these voices. He opened doors for interviews and in each interview I felt sooo calm and confident....by no means my own ability...but entirely God's. But now at the news that I lost the job I thought God desired for me...those demons are back...in full strength. Aii....a part of me cant believe this happend. Its like this always happens to me. So the past 2 days have been spiritual warefare for me indeed. What I do now speaks volumes in what I believe in. Do i understand whats going on? Not a clue. But im not suppose to...all I'm suppose to KNOW is that God is sovereign. The battle cannot be more real for me now. As the emotions are gone and the "environment" has turned back to normal what will I do? This is real stuff now. Its easy to praise God when everything is good...what will you do when theres a storm?

Despite all of this I must remind myself that He is faithful and just. I should not argue w/ His ways....He gives and takes away as HE pleases. The moment I start asking "why?"...is the time that I declare to God that I can run this universe better than He can. Im not going to lie about the way I feel...I feel like complete crap...I feel cheated....fustrated...sad...unconfident again. This coupled w/ a heart that is so burdened by emotions...man...all I can say is the devil knows the buttons to push. The 2 areas of my life that Im most sensitive too he hit...dead on....but what did I say in my last post? Whats progress w/o any obstacles to ensure that the forward steps are truly genuwine..and not just a facade.

So where does this leave me? I'm not entirely sure...its definitely been a battle these past 2 days. I thank God for blessing me w/ a sister in Christ that is willing to share this burden w/ me. However, this is my race...and Im the one that needs to run it.

"Do you not know that in a race all runners run but only 1 gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize" --1Corinthians 9:24

Oh Lord this is the greatest challenge of my life...coming at the heels of 2 solid months of progress. Lord I declare that I cannot live a life for you...I declare that Im powerless to live for you...It is you that must live in through Me. For I have been crucified w/ Christ and I no longer live but YOU live in me. Father I surrender my dreams, my desires, my rights into your hands. May You use this opportunity to shine Your light...that through my weakness and brokeness You can be seen. I am so scared and sad right now...but I realize that You are the only reason for this heart. Grant me the strength to run this race father...throwing off all the sin that so easily entangles...and running for the prize...that I would forget what is behind and STRAIN towards what is AHEAD. Thank you father for your unfailing love and faithfulness. Be the love of this heart and the reason of this life.