waste

So its been close to a month and a half that I've been off school and I've done squat. This is quite depressing to think about. I literally waste my days away doing nothing. My time mgmt has gone out the window cause I have no schedule to follow and keep me focused. Man...such a waste. God what are you trying to teach me?? I've done my best trying to find a job...so at least I can do something productive....i didnt want to complicate things w/ summer courses considering my transfer process is up in the air....so what? I'd love to travel...but considering the fact I have no job...thats quite unfeasible. Its kinda late to join a missions trip...but not only that...i think my reasoning is quite sad....to fill up my time and give me something to do......that aint right. Softball and dboat has given me something to do...but they all centre around the weekend...during the weekdays its very slow going. Volunteer? Well that too takes an application process...haha....Its like Im not even good enough to do stuff for free. I thought this summer was gonna be exciting...but I guess not. All the ppl close to be are going to be away/busy; Brent China, Cam China, Belinda China/HK, Terry also is now probably going to HK/Jap, Stace workin, Vince workin, Alf school, Sam teaching, Phil school etc etc...the list goes on....Im happy they all have stuff to do...but that leaves me very alone. Makes me feel like exciting things are happening to everyone but me. What did I do wrong?!....I could've nailed a job at like sports chek or sth...but i didnt apply cause of Co-op...but now thats goin south.


Man Im scared and fustrated. I've had a lot of experiences where I've made a decision w/ a certain outcome in mind, and my mind kinda mentally prepared for that outcome...unconsciously. then when the alternative arose....I was kinda shocked and sent reeling. I fear w/ my uni applicatin the same thing is gonna happen. I dont think me right now desiring to go to Laurier and expecting to be there is a wrong thing. But im scared im still gonna get burned for it. Its emotionally tolling to try and not commit to any senario...and stay in the middle...trying to visualize yourself in September in 2 places. So how do I prep? What should I do in the mean time? UGHHH....Lord sustain me...cause right now I feel like Im gonna crumble...

not meant to be..

Well last week i had my first interview...yea its quite sad. I was still releaved tho that I actually got one...i guess at least thats a step in the right direction. I look back on it...and i wished I could do it all over again. As much as I preped for the interview I still "choked". I dont think i did enough to sell myself and show them that I really wanted to be apart of their team. I came into the place w/ a suit and guy was very casually dressed and asked to go to coffee time. I think that was the first thing that caught me off guard. Secondly, the place operated out of the owners apartment. I've seen places like this before...but that too made me kinda feel like maybe this isnt what I thought it was gonna be. I think the casual interview and low key work environment made me reconsider if i actually wanted to work there. Man thats pride for you. Its a good learning experience for me for sure. I shouldnt let environment, pay or general outward appearance push me away from a job. Its all about the ppl that you work w/ and the projects you undertake. Working on bay st in some financial firm isnt all that its cracked up to be. So what im trying to say is I guess I let my pride get the better of me....i felt like i deserved better, when really...its exactly the environment I needed to "exist" in. So I havent received a phone call yet...which means most likely that I didnt get it. Not surprised...I KNOW I couldve done a better job. Overall this co-op process has been a very humbling experience. A lot of my friends have good jobs w/ big companies...and I guess i want to just jump right into that picture...but I realize thats not my life...they have theirs...I have mine. My path and my being is unique to anyone. God has indeed taught me a lot during the lows of this co-op processes. If i have to start low...i gotta start low. If i to start unpaid...thats the way its gotta be. The funny thing is....as I pondered over the job after my interview I started to realize how good of an opportunity it was...and I began really hoping for the job...haha. So now I guess you can say im kinda disappointed. Its my fault tho..and God is defintely teaching me a lesson.

Lord help me to realize at the end of the day, through thick and thin that You alone are still running my life. Cultivate in me a character that cries out "Yes Lord, here I am, send me!" Lord forgive me for my pride and selfishness. Help me to see past myself...knowing full well that it is indeed unthinkable and unimaginable to dine at your table. As my future is still clouded...outcomes still hang in the air..help me to lean into You...and be obedient.

summer

Im not gonna lie...not securing a job for co-op has me down in the dumps. I feel so unable. I dont care who you are but with 35 rejections (0 interview offers) somethings gotta give. My resume and cv's have been polished up quite a bit but still nothing. I try to stay confident but honestly I feel like im not good enough. So with that I gotta find something to do over the summer. Gotta just settle for a meaneal job that pays minimum. Go back to the hospital?....ughhh. I might just have to. I just cant stand working weekends. Everything I have to do centres around the weekend. Yes i know....beggars cant be choosers...i just gotta take my lumps and deal with it. *sigh* I do admit I've stopped praying about my employment situation. I dunno...kinda gave up on it...i think in this time God rather have me just spend time w/ Him rather than ramble on about my problems that He already knows about. I know He's in control, I just gotta get my heart aligned with His. Again, its about being the person God intended me to be. Character is more important than what im doing or where i am. so I guess i gotta just learn to be the right person in the wrong situation at the moment. As for summer...need to find something constructive to do. Cant waste away my days like this...mann...it sucks. Hopefully if God doesnt lead me to a job...I find something fruitful to engross myself into over these next 4 months.