me...

Its been a long time since i've actually written something serious...something meaningful. Its been a long and crazy journey to where I am now...and it was never by my strength or ability that I am where I am. My first semester at Laurier is nearly over...at a blink of an eye. Overall, its been an interesting semester. Lately Ive realized what God has granted me when He let me come here. At first...i was a bit depressed leaving friends in Guelph....being stuck between years...struggling w/ school....adjusting. But everything I desired in coming here has been granted...and shamefully...it took me 3 months to realize. I am finally finding satisfaction in what I study....i am being challenged and pushed to my limits. Theres stress...but its a good....satisfying stress...where you know that you're being tested...developed. I've connected w/ the ppl here....i thought it'd be difficult just jumping into relationships that are matured over 3 years. My housemates are fun to be w/...and the fellowship ppl are supportive. I got co-op...which now allows me another shot to get a part time job related to my field. Yet....it took me so long to realized. I just sputtered around the semester not even being thankful for any of this...who do i think I am?! This is my confession: PRIDE...and lots of it. I get so easily "puffed up" when things go well...i feel so proud of myself...so accomplished...like "Yea see that?...I did that...ME...M-E". I instilled the change...I made that thing work....I said what needed to be said...I I I I.....then on the flip side I get so easily shattered. When things dont go well....when things make me look...."less than average"....make me look foolish....I feel like nothing. I feel lower than the earth itself......such inconsistancy!!!!....i drive myself crazy. My life isn't my own...all i possess isnt mine...but yet everyday....my actions...my thoughts....my words....say they do. I truly thank God for being who He is...cause if He was any different...if His grace wasnt so abounding....I would not be here...and rightfully so. These 2 weeks have been highs and lows for me....this week being my low...and last week my high. These 2 weeks have helped me come to the realization of the above....and now its time to put away my old self...


"The way of deeper knowledge of God is through the lonely
valleys of soul poverty and abnegation of all things. The
blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have
repudiated every external things and have rooted from their
hearts all sense of possessing." -- The Pursuit of God, Tozer

Lord forgive me for all that I have thought, said, done that was not from You or for You. Lord show me the urgency of moment by moment living for YOU, so that I will not be devoured by selfish and impure motives. Help me to to live life based on what I KNOW rather than to what I feel...I know you've washed me clean...I know that YOU live IN ME...I know Your grace is enough....i might not feel it all the time....but may that not deter me from You. Amen.