hollow...

4 years?....maybe 5....i've lost count. funny thing is it felt like yesterday when it all started...maybe thats why I cant let go....maybe thats why it hurts so much. Is this feeling even real? How can this pain be so real? How can I feel terrible over losing something I never had?

Timing for this situation couldnt be more ironic. Probably gonna be one of the greatest challenges of my life. Previous to this defining moment I finally making progress as I walked w/ God. Now this is a test to see whether all that was based on emotion or if it was truly me submitting to God. In the coming weeks I deal w/ one of my greatest fears and insecurities....job appz. Sounds silly but I think the devil has a foothold in this department always whispering in my ear that "I cant do it"..."I dont deserve it"..."You're not good enough"...I have definitely made a mountain out of a mole hill w/ this. I have no confidence pursuing jobs...I feel so inempt...unqualified...so short on skill and talent. Now w/ this burdening heart...its gonna be a even greater test. Will I crumble or will I truly show w/ my actions that my life is found In Christ...that He is my rock...my Lord...?

HOLLOW....there couldnt be a better word to describe the feeling I have now. Everyday drags on for so long...I feel like i've been hollowed out...my heart beats...but to a sorrowful tune. When will I learn?

My last prayer for her....

...till.....?