cant run away forever

Well its been 4 days since my last exam and while everyone was so relieved that they finished...i wasnt. For the past 2 weeks its been intense studying. In the whole process you forget a lot of things...including your problems. You become engrossed in challenges that lay ahead and witness those around in that same mode of preparation. So the ironic thing is, it was during this time...heat of exam week...heat of studying and pressure that I felt the most free. I felt free from the problems that I left back at home. Free from everything. Now that exams are over as well as my year I now realize that cant run away forever. Im going to have to deal w/ summer...and all that goes along with it...whether I like it or not. Call me a freak but the past 2 weeks I was free...and now I fell burdened...now I feel like every week is a challenge...an obstacle. Oh how I wish I was back in Loo...away from it all...but then I realize i cant keep running...I cant keep avoiding...the only reason Im in this position is because of myself...b/c of my mistakes...I have no one else to blame but me.

As coach of my softball team this year I have a lot of fears...fears that this will all blow up in my face. I am totally unqualified to lead this team...I dont possess the expertise nor knowledge to lead this team. But I guess its all the more reason to be dependant on the One who is unfailing. Staying on the topic of softball, I really think God does have a sense of humour. The biggest struggle of my life He is asking me to face everytime I play softball. Its something that Im going to have to deal w/ every practice...every game...every outing...aiii...why does it have to be so difficult...i guess this is what I deserve for avoiding and hiding away for the past 2 months.

Admist all this struggle, looking back...God has been gracious. I really enjoyed what I learned this past year and felt that I was pushed and stretched in certain areas academically...which what I always wanted. There were times I did want to give up...but I still managed by the grace of God. God has surrounded me w/ a group that is wonderful and supportive. I have really drawn close to these individuals and again...by God's grace. Then there the infamous co-op. 13 interviews....12 more than I got last year. Man...looking back I have grown so much in this aspect...I now realize how unprepared I was last year for a job...and that God's timing is indeed the best. My prayer/focus now is that I'll not get caught up in all the glitz and glamour of the name and fame that comes w/ landing "big" jobs w/ "big" companies. One step at a time...cant forget where the source is.