the "softer side"

I always have a lot of things to blog about but when I sit down and actually attempt to write something I don't know where to start. I guess this is why I seldom ever write about my thoughts/epiphanies...but here goes...


Lets begin with Campus Challenge. Like always, when I am prodded (forced is too strong of a word) to go to any of these conferences or big gatherings I'm very reticent in regards to the actual worth or purpose of going. I see these conferences as sometimes causing more harm than good. A weekend away with a bunch of "friends", speaker and fancy worship team can make your feelings and emotions tell your head that things have actually changed in your life when in reality that may not be the case. Now I'm not bashing CC or declaring that everyone there is just experience emotional highs, but I think this is something that take heart of because I am a very emotional person. I can get emotionally charged about anything and if I feel like I want to do something, nothing can stop me. On the contrary, if i don't feel like doing anything its gonna take a lot of effort to get me to try. So being wired as more of a "feeler" than a "thinker" (Myers Briggs) I've learned to guard my heart in these situations. However, like I always do I probably take it overboard. There is a point in time I need to realize that when God is in control He can supersede any act of man...or mistake for that matter. Thus, if I go into these things with a heart thats after God I'm sure there is "value" to be found. All in all, nothing profound was revealed during CC but it was a good time to just bond w/ my committee. However, one program dearly spoke out to me. This program involved reporting to the "station" that represented a significant idol in your life. The 4 categories were:
1) Academics and success
2) Intimacy
3) Self image
4) Escapism

Which one did I choose? It was never more loud and clear in my life....ESCAPISM. The girl who led this group said that station 1) dealt w/ the idol of security, station 2) loneliness 3) self esteem...so what was 4? The word itself seems to be sort of made up or molded to the situation...but it fits perfectly. Escapism deals with ALL those factors and more. How many times have I found myself spending countless hours watching youtube, surfing the net aimlessly, hibernating in my room watching episode after episode of TV shows...even re-watching scenes over and over, day dreaming, regretting....It was a couple of weeks ago that I had a meeting out of the blue w/ a close brother of mine who was struggling w/ the same hurdles as me. I kid you not, it was like we were spitting images of each other. We shared about each others floundering walks. One topic came up...discipline and time management. Why did we waste time doing the things we did? "It's a form of escapism..." Fast forward a couple of weeks later and I'm sitting on the floor in the Trent cafeteria listening to this girl talk about escapism being an idol in our lives. The act of escapism was the key facilitator in me trying to fill a void that only God could fill and fully satisfy. I spent countless hours immersing myself in "stuff"that I hoped would bring me joy or comfort...excitement or relief...and if I didn't find satisfaction in any of those things then the act itself would just allow me to run away and forget that I even had a void in the first place. I realize I'm running away from the worldly worries and academic challenges I face, I'm running away from the loneliness that rests in my heart, I'm running away from myself cause I'm not satisfied with who I am, I'm running away from reality cause it just seems to be filled with pain and angst. Does this sound like a follower of Christ to you? *sighhh* So now that I realize the error of my ways why can't I just seek God and find satisfaction in Him? In all honesty, its because I don't know how. My walk with God has always been classified as "tough love". I realized that He is my Lord and King. With that I knew He had every right to do what He wanted to do with my life. Thats not to say that I never questioned Him (I'm definitely not that obedient). But I kinda approached my life on earth like "thats the way it is...it may suck but God decides what happens." So I approached life on earth as more of a test and a refining process. So much crap needed to be ironed out in me that my life on earth would be such a long painstaking journey of stumbling and learning. I felt as if though the true "prize" or joy could only be realized when I went to heaven and was face to face w/ my Lord. As you can see "enjoying God" has been tough for me to grasp. I know God's love is great...but for me I've always felt that joyous life was reserved for other people...not me...

So ironic that the sermon topic this past Sunday was "Enjoying God". The speaker began with this...

The Westminster Catechism:
What is the chief end of man?
Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.

I've always preached the fire and brimstone side of God. I've always been adamant with people who are too mushy gushy about their faith...that its not always about feeling and love. Now I realized I've done that all out of pride. I'm too prideful to show my vulnerability in needing to experience and see the softer side of God. That I was created to have a relationship with Him...to enjoy Him and love Him. My heart of created for Him alone. This void I seek to fill is for Him and only Him. Please Lord, help to find satisfaction in You. This world only holds disappointment.