"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it--I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while--yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldy sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."
- 2 Corinthians 7:8-11
My prayer...for as long as I can pray it.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Silence.
SWITCHFOOT
Adding To The Noise
What's it gonna take
to slow us down
to let the silence spin us around?
What's it gonna take
to drop this town?
We've been spinning at the speed of sound.
Stepping out of those convenience stores
what could we want but more more more?
From the third world
to the corporate core
we are a symphony of modern humanity
If we're adding to the noise
turn off this song
If we're adding to the noise
turn off your stereo, radio, video
I dont know
what they're gonna think of next
genetic engineers of the most high tech
A couple new ways
to fall into debt
I'm a nervous wreck but I'll bet
that that T.V. set
tells us what we've wanted to hear
But none of these sound bites
are coming in clear
From the third world to the corporate ear
we are the symphony of modern humanity.
Adding To The Noise
What's it gonna take
to slow us down
to let the silence spin us around?
What's it gonna take
to drop this town?
We've been spinning at the speed of sound.
Stepping out of those convenience stores
what could we want but more more more?
From the third world
to the corporate core
we are a symphony of modern humanity
If we're adding to the noise
turn off this song
If we're adding to the noise
turn off your stereo, radio, video
I dont know
what they're gonna think of next
genetic engineers of the most high tech
A couple new ways
to fall into debt
I'm a nervous wreck but I'll bet
that that T.V. set
tells us what we've wanted to hear
But none of these sound bites
are coming in clear
From the third world to the corporate ear
we are the symphony of modern humanity.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
scary.
so my eyes are in Right field and I'm watching the relay to the cut off. Next I see a crowd in left field. There she is...blood dripping on the grass. No its not just a cut lip. I stand helpless and useless. Was it bound to happen? Hard projectiles and swinging of big bats...sooner or later someone was gonna get in the way of one of those.
ER. Opened her wallet and handed the triage nurse the health card. Picture. Don't look...just get the card and close the wallet. Dont think. Too late, my heart is already dying out. From one waiting room to another...time goes by and nothing happens...didnt even get ice...had to ask the security guard....GAH. The worst part of all this was when I so dearly wanted to comfort and assure....wanted to protect and care for....wanted to console and bear....i realized yet again that its not my place to do that anymore. Sigh.
ER. Opened her wallet and handed the triage nurse the health card. Picture. Don't look...just get the card and close the wallet. Dont think. Too late, my heart is already dying out. From one waiting room to another...time goes by and nothing happens...didnt even get ice...had to ask the security guard....GAH. The worst part of all this was when I so dearly wanted to comfort and assure....wanted to protect and care for....wanted to console and bear....i realized yet again that its not my place to do that anymore. Sigh.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
cant run away forever
Well its been 4 days since my last exam and while everyone was so relieved that they finished...i wasnt. For the past 2 weeks its been intense studying. In the whole process you forget a lot of things...including your problems. You become engrossed in challenges that lay ahead and witness those around in that same mode of preparation. So the ironic thing is, it was during this time...heat of exam week...heat of studying and pressure that I felt the most free. I felt free from the problems that I left back at home. Free from everything. Now that exams are over as well as my year I now realize that cant run away forever. Im going to have to deal w/ summer...and all that goes along with it...whether I like it or not. Call me a freak but the past 2 weeks I was free...and now I fell burdened...now I feel like every week is a challenge...an obstacle. Oh how I wish I was back in Loo...away from it all...but then I realize i cant keep running...I cant keep avoiding...the only reason Im in this position is because of myself...b/c of my mistakes...I have no one else to blame but me.
As coach of my softball team this year I have a lot of fears...fears that this will all blow up in my face. I am totally unqualified to lead this team...I dont possess the expertise nor knowledge to lead this team. But I guess its all the more reason to be dependant on the One who is unfailing. Staying on the topic of softball, I really think God does have a sense of humour. The biggest struggle of my life He is asking me to face everytime I play softball. Its something that Im going to have to deal w/ every practice...every game...every outing...aiii...why does it have to be so difficult...i guess this is what I deserve for avoiding and hiding away for the past 2 months.
Admist all this struggle, looking back...God has been gracious. I really enjoyed what I learned this past year and felt that I was pushed and stretched in certain areas academically...which what I always wanted. There were times I did want to give up...but I still managed by the grace of God. God has surrounded me w/ a group that is wonderful and supportive. I have really drawn close to these individuals and again...by God's grace. Then there the infamous co-op. 13 interviews....12 more than I got last year. Man...looking back I have grown so much in this aspect...I now realize how unprepared I was last year for a job...and that God's timing is indeed the best. My prayer/focus now is that I'll not get caught up in all the glitz and glamour of the name and fame that comes w/ landing "big" jobs w/ "big" companies. One step at a time...cant forget where the source is.
As coach of my softball team this year I have a lot of fears...fears that this will all blow up in my face. I am totally unqualified to lead this team...I dont possess the expertise nor knowledge to lead this team. But I guess its all the more reason to be dependant on the One who is unfailing. Staying on the topic of softball, I really think God does have a sense of humour. The biggest struggle of my life He is asking me to face everytime I play softball. Its something that Im going to have to deal w/ every practice...every game...every outing...aiii...why does it have to be so difficult...i guess this is what I deserve for avoiding and hiding away for the past 2 months.
Admist all this struggle, looking back...God has been gracious. I really enjoyed what I learned this past year and felt that I was pushed and stretched in certain areas academically...which what I always wanted. There were times I did want to give up...but I still managed by the grace of God. God has surrounded me w/ a group that is wonderful and supportive. I have really drawn close to these individuals and again...by God's grace. Then there the infamous co-op. 13 interviews....12 more than I got last year. Man...looking back I have grown so much in this aspect...I now realize how unprepared I was last year for a job...and that God's timing is indeed the best. My prayer/focus now is that I'll not get caught up in all the glitz and glamour of the name and fame that comes w/ landing "big" jobs w/ "big" companies. One step at a time...cant forget where the source is.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
wrestling w/ inner demons
Its now been 2 days removed from winter retreat. I must say that things happend during retreat where I know that only God could bring about. It was something to witness...how the devo i wrote and another person wrote...the bible studies and the sermons all fit so seamlessly together...and this was w/o any prior interaction. I can tell you from experience that if God is burdening the hearts of more than 1 person w/ the same thing...He's definitely speaking. It was an awesome time of fellowship and just a great time to get away from everything. I thank God that He has blessed me w/ these brothers and sisters. Everywhere I have gone He has been faithful in proving support in that respect.
As retreat came to a close, I shared to the fellowship on how when we leave these 4 walls that the devil will try to counter the progress we made. It was a testiment to all that had happend in those 3 short days....but I knew that when the emotions died down and "regular life" set in the devil would be waiting. I told the fellowship that we need to be ready and since the topic was community that we needed to support eachother in prayer. It is definitely ironic how things work. I realized that I declared a lot of things w/ my lips during retreat and I think I was definitely the first one to witness a "counter attack". Not even a day after retreat I hear news that the position that I wanted so badly closed up. Now, ordinarily I would be sad...but this time I'm completely CRUSHED. The reason was because God carried me through the entire process. He opened doors and gave me strength for a position that was so highly regarded and such great experience. I thought I had no chance but God blessed me w/ an interview (completely His intervention). Upon interviewing I met the department and staff and wanted to work there sooo much more. Well weeks passed and then I found out that I was at the top of their hiring list!!! They indicated to co-op that they intended to hiring but were delaying the process b/c the VP was sick. This was all prior to the retreat. Co-op said complications could occur where I would not get the position and I understood that. But it definitely felt good that I came so far. So then Monday morning the news:
"I got bad news Jonathan. Fairmont has decided that they are not going to hire for the summer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....The most extreme thing...the only thing that could of went wrong, did. The job was at my finger tips!!!! Its not like I didnt earn the job or didnt have the opportunity...it all was falling into place. It was such a tease!! I met the staff had the interview...i tasted it...and then it was taken away! Last summer I didnt get a co-op job and the ppl that were close to me knew how much it wore on me. Coming into this term I was burdened w/ the same baggage and demons telling me that "you're not good enough"..."you dont deserve a good job"..."God never gives you what you want". As the co-op process proceeded I felt God put to rest many of these voices. He opened doors for interviews and in each interview I felt sooo calm and confident....by no means my own ability...but entirely God's. But now at the news that I lost the job I thought God desired for me...those demons are back...in full strength. Aii....a part of me cant believe this happend. Its like this always happens to me. So the past 2 days have been spiritual warefare for me indeed. What I do now speaks volumes in what I believe in. Do i understand whats going on? Not a clue. But im not suppose to...all I'm suppose to KNOW is that God is sovereign. The battle cannot be more real for me now. As the emotions are gone and the "environment" has turned back to normal what will I do? This is real stuff now. Its easy to praise God when everything is good...what will you do when theres a storm?
Despite all of this I must remind myself that He is faithful and just. I should not argue w/ His ways....He gives and takes away as HE pleases. The moment I start asking "why?"...is the time that I declare to God that I can run this universe better than He can. Im not going to lie about the way I feel...I feel like complete crap...I feel cheated....fustrated...sad...unconfident again. This coupled w/ a heart that is so burdened by emotions...man...all I can say is the devil knows the buttons to push. The 2 areas of my life that Im most sensitive too he hit...dead on....but what did I say in my last post? Whats progress w/o any obstacles to ensure that the forward steps are truly genuwine..and not just a facade.
So where does this leave me? I'm not entirely sure...its definitely been a battle these past 2 days. I thank God for blessing me w/ a sister in Christ that is willing to share this burden w/ me. However, this is my race...and Im the one that needs to run it.
"Do you not know that in a race all runners run but only 1 gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize" --1Corinthians 9:24
Oh Lord this is the greatest challenge of my life...coming at the heels of 2 solid months of progress. Lord I declare that I cannot live a life for you...I declare that Im powerless to live for you...It is you that must live in through Me. For I have been crucified w/ Christ and I no longer live but YOU live in me. Father I surrender my dreams, my desires, my rights into your hands. May You use this opportunity to shine Your light...that through my weakness and brokeness You can be seen. I am so scared and sad right now...but I realize that You are the only reason for this heart. Grant me the strength to run this race father...throwing off all the sin that so easily entangles...and running for the prize...that I would forget what is behind and STRAIN towards what is AHEAD. Thank you father for your unfailing love and faithfulness. Be the love of this heart and the reason of this life.
As retreat came to a close, I shared to the fellowship on how when we leave these 4 walls that the devil will try to counter the progress we made. It was a testiment to all that had happend in those 3 short days....but I knew that when the emotions died down and "regular life" set in the devil would be waiting. I told the fellowship that we need to be ready and since the topic was community that we needed to support eachother in prayer. It is definitely ironic how things work. I realized that I declared a lot of things w/ my lips during retreat and I think I was definitely the first one to witness a "counter attack". Not even a day after retreat I hear news that the position that I wanted so badly closed up. Now, ordinarily I would be sad...but this time I'm completely CRUSHED. The reason was because God carried me through the entire process. He opened doors and gave me strength for a position that was so highly regarded and such great experience. I thought I had no chance but God blessed me w/ an interview (completely His intervention). Upon interviewing I met the department and staff and wanted to work there sooo much more. Well weeks passed and then I found out that I was at the top of their hiring list!!! They indicated to co-op that they intended to hiring but were delaying the process b/c the VP was sick. This was all prior to the retreat. Co-op said complications could occur where I would not get the position and I understood that. But it definitely felt good that I came so far. So then Monday morning the news:
"I got bad news Jonathan. Fairmont has decided that they are not going to hire for the summer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....The most extreme thing...the only thing that could of went wrong, did. The job was at my finger tips!!!! Its not like I didnt earn the job or didnt have the opportunity...it all was falling into place. It was such a tease!! I met the staff had the interview...i tasted it...and then it was taken away! Last summer I didnt get a co-op job and the ppl that were close to me knew how much it wore on me. Coming into this term I was burdened w/ the same baggage and demons telling me that "you're not good enough"..."you dont deserve a good job"..."God never gives you what you want". As the co-op process proceeded I felt God put to rest many of these voices. He opened doors for interviews and in each interview I felt sooo calm and confident....by no means my own ability...but entirely God's. But now at the news that I lost the job I thought God desired for me...those demons are back...in full strength. Aii....a part of me cant believe this happend. Its like this always happens to me. So the past 2 days have been spiritual warefare for me indeed. What I do now speaks volumes in what I believe in. Do i understand whats going on? Not a clue. But im not suppose to...all I'm suppose to KNOW is that God is sovereign. The battle cannot be more real for me now. As the emotions are gone and the "environment" has turned back to normal what will I do? This is real stuff now. Its easy to praise God when everything is good...what will you do when theres a storm?
Despite all of this I must remind myself that He is faithful and just. I should not argue w/ His ways....He gives and takes away as HE pleases. The moment I start asking "why?"...is the time that I declare to God that I can run this universe better than He can. Im not going to lie about the way I feel...I feel like complete crap...I feel cheated....fustrated...sad...unconfident again. This coupled w/ a heart that is so burdened by emotions...man...all I can say is the devil knows the buttons to push. The 2 areas of my life that Im most sensitive too he hit...dead on....but what did I say in my last post? Whats progress w/o any obstacles to ensure that the forward steps are truly genuwine..and not just a facade.
So where does this leave me? I'm not entirely sure...its definitely been a battle these past 2 days. I thank God for blessing me w/ a sister in Christ that is willing to share this burden w/ me. However, this is my race...and Im the one that needs to run it.
"Do you not know that in a race all runners run but only 1 gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize" --1Corinthians 9:24
Oh Lord this is the greatest challenge of my life...coming at the heels of 2 solid months of progress. Lord I declare that I cannot live a life for you...I declare that Im powerless to live for you...It is you that must live in through Me. For I have been crucified w/ Christ and I no longer live but YOU live in me. Father I surrender my dreams, my desires, my rights into your hands. May You use this opportunity to shine Your light...that through my weakness and brokeness You can be seen. I am so scared and sad right now...but I realize that You are the only reason for this heart. Grant me the strength to run this race father...throwing off all the sin that so easily entangles...and running for the prize...that I would forget what is behind and STRAIN towards what is AHEAD. Thank you father for your unfailing love and faithfulness. Be the love of this heart and the reason of this life.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
random...
Ive been meaing to post something for a while...but when I get here I never know what to write. There is so much that circulates in my head that if I were to write it all out none of it would make sense. But heres a shot...
God really made Himself known as I put Him at the bottom on my priorities during the winter break. So since the semester has began I have made a strong effort into making His promises and truths the foundation of everyday (Romans 12:2). I have literally began every day on my knees declaring that cannot live a life for Him...rather it is He who lives in me (Galatians 2:20). All in all the month has been good...God has been faithful and gracious. But what is progress w/o stumbling blocks or difficult circumstances. A couple of weeks into the semester the news that I wanted to deny or never wanted to hear for the longest time finally came. No it wasnt a dream...or rumour...it was real. I had a vague idea...but it was covered up by my ignorance. So it came...and the pain was the exact same pain I felt in the spring of 2003. I asked myself...I've been here before...but its been so long...how can the feeling be so fresh...w/ the same intensity? This cant be real...no way. Well 2 weeks later Im still feeling its sting. I dont want to talk abt it w/ church friends cause I feel like they look down on me if I brought it up. Like come on...they are right its been 3 years. But have you ever prayed for someone for 4+ years? Im not just talking about praying for exams or stress...but really praying every night/morning for God to make His glory and providence known to that person. That they would be rooted fully in Christ...that they would be moulded in His image...refined in the fire...broken down and built up. Its not like I eve's dropped on the person...but whenever I heard about certain circumstances I always would commit it to prayer. I have witnessed from afar God working in that persons life...and it truly brings me great joy...not that I have brought about the change...but that God is faithful. So in all of this I can tell you that the act of praying for someone with that intensity and commitment can really make you feel close to someone even though there is physical distance and little interaction. I dont want it to seem that im weird and Im some psycho that "connects" w/ ppl. Its nothing like that. Prayer is powerful. Im sure ppl that have prayed for others from a distance can connect w/ what im saying. So thats my reason....my reason for it being so difficult for me to let go. Is that an excuse? Abosolutely not. So then I stop praying for her? Maybe....im a little lost on all of this...
Thus my "progress" has been met w/ an obstacle...to test and see whether this progress is based solely on emotion or it is truly rooted in truth. "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." James 1:4. The sad thing is James is talking abt so much more than heartache or stress...yet I still find it so difficult. But nonetheless it must finish its work in me. I have been tempted to pray it away...but I realize that would defeat the purpose...sometimes things need the time to refine us.
"He has shown you O man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
O Lord this is the prayer of my heart. Help me to realize its not important where I am...who I'm with...its about who you want me to be regardless of the external environment. Help me to realize there is no job, person, situation, accomplishment coming up that is going to be better than you...for you were all this heart was made for...engineered for. Lord my prayer is Psalm 37:4...that I'd be able to truly delight myself in You. Show me what that means.
God really made Himself known as I put Him at the bottom on my priorities during the winter break. So since the semester has began I have made a strong effort into making His promises and truths the foundation of everyday (Romans 12:2). I have literally began every day on my knees declaring that cannot live a life for Him...rather it is He who lives in me (Galatians 2:20). All in all the month has been good...God has been faithful and gracious. But what is progress w/o stumbling blocks or difficult circumstances. A couple of weeks into the semester the news that I wanted to deny or never wanted to hear for the longest time finally came. No it wasnt a dream...or rumour...it was real. I had a vague idea...but it was covered up by my ignorance. So it came...and the pain was the exact same pain I felt in the spring of 2003. I asked myself...I've been here before...but its been so long...how can the feeling be so fresh...w/ the same intensity? This cant be real...no way. Well 2 weeks later Im still feeling its sting. I dont want to talk abt it w/ church friends cause I feel like they look down on me if I brought it up. Like come on...they are right its been 3 years. But have you ever prayed for someone for 4+ years? Im not just talking about praying for exams or stress...but really praying every night/morning for God to make His glory and providence known to that person. That they would be rooted fully in Christ...that they would be moulded in His image...refined in the fire...broken down and built up. Its not like I eve's dropped on the person...but whenever I heard about certain circumstances I always would commit it to prayer. I have witnessed from afar God working in that persons life...and it truly brings me great joy...not that I have brought about the change...but that God is faithful. So in all of this I can tell you that the act of praying for someone with that intensity and commitment can really make you feel close to someone even though there is physical distance and little interaction. I dont want it to seem that im weird and Im some psycho that "connects" w/ ppl. Its nothing like that. Prayer is powerful. Im sure ppl that have prayed for others from a distance can connect w/ what im saying. So thats my reason....my reason for it being so difficult for me to let go. Is that an excuse? Abosolutely not. So then I stop praying for her? Maybe....im a little lost on all of this...
Thus my "progress" has been met w/ an obstacle...to test and see whether this progress is based solely on emotion or it is truly rooted in truth. "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." James 1:4. The sad thing is James is talking abt so much more than heartache or stress...yet I still find it so difficult. But nonetheless it must finish its work in me. I have been tempted to pray it away...but I realize that would defeat the purpose...sometimes things need the time to refine us.
"He has shown you O man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
O Lord this is the prayer of my heart. Help me to realize its not important where I am...who I'm with...its about who you want me to be regardless of the external environment. Help me to realize there is no job, person, situation, accomplishment coming up that is going to be better than you...for you were all this heart was made for...engineered for. Lord my prayer is Psalm 37:4...that I'd be able to truly delight myself in You. Show me what that means.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
hollow...
4 years?....maybe 5....i've lost count. funny thing is it felt like yesterday when it all started...maybe thats why I cant let go....maybe thats why it hurts so much. Is this feeling even real? How can this pain be so real? How can I feel terrible over losing something I never had?
Timing for this situation couldnt be more ironic. Probably gonna be one of the greatest challenges of my life. Previous to this defining moment I finally making progress as I walked w/ God. Now this is a test to see whether all that was based on emotion or if it was truly me submitting to God. In the coming weeks I deal w/ one of my greatest fears and insecurities....job appz. Sounds silly but I think the devil has a foothold in this department always whispering in my ear that "I cant do it"..."I dont deserve it"..."You're not good enough"...I have definitely made a mountain out of a mole hill w/ this. I have no confidence pursuing jobs...I feel so inempt...unqualified...so short on skill and talent. Now w/ this burdening heart...its gonna be a even greater test. Will I crumble or will I truly show w/ my actions that my life is found In Christ...that He is my rock...my Lord...?
HOLLOW....there couldnt be a better word to describe the feeling I have now. Everyday drags on for so long...I feel like i've been hollowed out...my heart beats...but to a sorrowful tune. When will I learn?
My last prayer for her....
...till.....?
Timing for this situation couldnt be more ironic. Probably gonna be one of the greatest challenges of my life. Previous to this defining moment I finally making progress as I walked w/ God. Now this is a test to see whether all that was based on emotion or if it was truly me submitting to God. In the coming weeks I deal w/ one of my greatest fears and insecurities....job appz. Sounds silly but I think the devil has a foothold in this department always whispering in my ear that "I cant do it"..."I dont deserve it"..."You're not good enough"...I have definitely made a mountain out of a mole hill w/ this. I have no confidence pursuing jobs...I feel so inempt...unqualified...so short on skill and talent. Now w/ this burdening heart...its gonna be a even greater test. Will I crumble or will I truly show w/ my actions that my life is found In Christ...that He is my rock...my Lord...?
HOLLOW....there couldnt be a better word to describe the feeling I have now. Everyday drags on for so long...I feel like i've been hollowed out...my heart beats...but to a sorrowful tune. When will I learn?
My last prayer for her....
...till.....?
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