reflection of days passed

Just came back from the ACF retreat in muskoka. Man...what a place...now I know why they call that "God's Country". So peaceful and "uninterfeared" with...haha. Theme was stewardship and the whole retreat was a good time of personal reflection for me. I battled a lot during this weekend though....just my selfish desires. I knew this retreat was all about bonding and sharing the walk w/ each other and about lifting up God as our main priority but yet again...my mind was focusing on my own problems and desires. A bit of everything I guess....program problems and uncertainty...co-op burdens....my "friendship" w/ someone...everything...it all comes down on me when I try to get away from it....The sad thing is for the first time in a long while during worship sessions and sharing times...I just wanted to not be there. I didnt feel like worshipping...didnt feel like taking part in any of the activities. I just wanted to run away from everything and everybody. I ate most of the meals by myself and hardly talked to anyone over the retreat. My heart was just not there. I can still say it was a good retreat cause it allowed me to look around and see what God was doing in other ppls lives. That this group of ppl really appreciates and loves each other....and I am really happy for that. So right now im just mad at my selfishness...wishing that I could let go of my jealousy and bitterness for things. I hate the fact that im like this....that it seems so natural for me to act like this. I talked to kevin about 2 weeks ago and he was telling me to find how God views me....what i'm worth to Him...my identity in Him....who He ment me to be. After that it started out good....God was slowly showing me stuff...but then during retreat I was so angry at myself for acting the way I was....and I just could not see who God desired me to be.....I know it was not to be like this....