back in guelph

Well I'm back in G-town now....and was greeted by a wonderful online accounting quiz which i did bad on....GREAT!...that would be 2 in a row...kinda pissed right now....*breathe stretch shake...let it go*

Sorta weighed down by a couple of things right now...my lack of organization goin into this semester...i seems like i lost the ability to prioritize and "sense" how much work I have and hence feel a sense of urgency....but right now...everything seems to be ho hum...when its not...that cannot be a good thing. My spritual life is also quite shoddy...quite cold. I guess I need to learn discipline. I guess I feel very weighed down with the fact that I talk a lot...but dont seem to live up to those standards I speak of. Aiii....such a hyprocite. Leading bible studies and small group I tend to talk a lot....but I'm not backing this talk up in the way I live my life. A part of me wants to stop leading stuff cuz I feel my life is not in order right now...but I know that if God used only the people with their life in order and were strong and perfect...He'd have no servents at all...heh. Does that mean I'm justified to keep on living the way I do?...definiately not. At the beginning of this school year I had this whole notion on being silent before God...let my words be few...stop blabbing on about my problems to Him...cuz He already knew about them. I would just take 5-10 min to reflect on how great our God is...His amazing grace and love. That would keep me focused on the reverence and majesty He deserved from me. I realized that I have lost that silence. I continue to clutter it up w/ peoples voices...events...games...etc. Gotta start that up again....

Man...I feel like I'm the most selfish person in the world. Everything I think about or do always tries to serve ME ME ME. For example...when I'm trying to grow in my walk I have this motive in the back of my head thinking how more people will respect me that way. Man thats quite sad...and I'm sure God is quite displeased. I crave so much attention, respect and praise....I just want to be loved...liked...popular. So self absorbed. But Christ calls us to be the total opposite...but I feel that this selfishness and self serving mentality is born in me...a part of me...who I really am. However, after watching 722 I realized who I am is who God desires me to be. I am His child...I need to undergo a spiritual rebirth and get His genes...genes that say I'm no longer captive by my sinful nature...I am FREE....