duality

Its been a LONG time since i've been here. Funny how I always turn to this place in times of desperation...sorrow...pain...but never joy. If you were to ask the people around me how they thought Liu was doing...they'd probably answer..."he should be fine...he cracks jokes...talks passionately about certain issues...why?" And with that, I realized my duality. I can be one person in front of company and friends...and a totally different person when I'm alone...which is to say...very scary. What's interesting is that one episode of Heroes had a quote that related to my circumstances so accurately - "You get to know people when you see them and they think they're alone. You see them for who they truly are, selfish, deceitful and gassy." If people really knew who I was when I was alone...or from the inside...i'd probably loose most if not all the friends I know. I do a very good job of hiding struggles and my "bad sides" for the most part. However, I think a lot of who I really am is coming to the surface more and more amongst my church friends. When I first started attending this church and began to learn and grow spiritually...i threw off (or covered up) a lot of the crap I was. I guess a lot of that is re-surfacing again. My ability to add lib eloquently is one of my "strengths" but lately it has become my demise. It allows me to talk "spiritual" even when the opposite is occurring inside of me. I could be rotting on the inside spiritually and emotionally but still give off the perceived image that everything is A-ok and that Liu knows his doctrine. God has definitely hit me over the head in this regards. I am so top heavy...as in...a lot of head knowledge and very very little substance in the heart *sigh*. I feel like a complete farce. I tell ppl so passionately about my views on church, fellowship spiritual progression and yet...I really have nothing to show for it other than empty words. This is complete Pharisee behaviour. On judgement day I cannot come before His throne and say I told people this and that...I spoke in front of fellowship...on the pulpit and think that is enough. Words mean absolutely nothing. Oh my...what have I become. As I sit in front of my laptop typing...all I can wonder is who I will be 10 years from now. Louie once said in one of his sermons "the person you are going to be 10 years from now is just an AMPLIFICATION of who you are now"...if thats true...I'm in for a rude awakening. Oh Lord where did I loose myself. I have such a keen lust for the flesh, material objects,admiration, status, popularity...that I've lost myself. Have I gone too far to be changed?...too far to be healed...rescued...saved? My head tells me no but sadly my heart tells me yes.