wrestling w/ inner demons

Its now been 2 days removed from winter retreat. I must say that things happend during retreat where I know that only God could bring about. It was something to witness...how the devo i wrote and another person wrote...the bible studies and the sermons all fit so seamlessly together...and this was w/o any prior interaction. I can tell you from experience that if God is burdening the hearts of more than 1 person w/ the same thing...He's definitely speaking. It was an awesome time of fellowship and just a great time to get away from everything. I thank God that He has blessed me w/ these brothers and sisters. Everywhere I have gone He has been faithful in proving support in that respect.

As retreat came to a close, I shared to the fellowship on how when we leave these 4 walls that the devil will try to counter the progress we made. It was a testiment to all that had happend in those 3 short days....but I knew that when the emotions died down and "regular life" set in the devil would be waiting. I told the fellowship that we need to be ready and since the topic was community that we needed to support eachother in prayer. It is definitely ironic how things work. I realized that I declared a lot of things w/ my lips during retreat and I think I was definitely the first one to witness a "counter attack". Not even a day after retreat I hear news that the position that I wanted so badly closed up. Now, ordinarily I would be sad...but this time I'm completely CRUSHED. The reason was because God carried me through the entire process. He opened doors and gave me strength for a position that was so highly regarded and such great experience. I thought I had no chance but God blessed me w/ an interview (completely His intervention). Upon interviewing I met the department and staff and wanted to work there sooo much more. Well weeks passed and then I found out that I was at the top of their hiring list!!! They indicated to co-op that they intended to hiring but were delaying the process b/c the VP was sick. This was all prior to the retreat. Co-op said complications could occur where I would not get the position and I understood that. But it definitely felt good that I came so far. So then Monday morning the news:
"I got bad news Jonathan. Fairmont has decided that they are not going to hire for the summer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....The most extreme thing...the only thing that could of went wrong, did. The job was at my finger tips!!!! Its not like I didnt earn the job or didnt have the opportunity...it all was falling into place. It was such a tease!! I met the staff had the interview...i tasted it...and then it was taken away! Last summer I didnt get a co-op job and the ppl that were close to me knew how much it wore on me. Coming into this term I was burdened w/ the same baggage and demons telling me that "you're not good enough"..."you dont deserve a good job"..."God never gives you what you want". As the co-op process proceeded I felt God put to rest many of these voices. He opened doors for interviews and in each interview I felt sooo calm and confident....by no means my own ability...but entirely God's. But now at the news that I lost the job I thought God desired for me...those demons are back...in full strength. Aii....a part of me cant believe this happend. Its like this always happens to me. So the past 2 days have been spiritual warefare for me indeed. What I do now speaks volumes in what I believe in. Do i understand whats going on? Not a clue. But im not suppose to...all I'm suppose to KNOW is that God is sovereign. The battle cannot be more real for me now. As the emotions are gone and the "environment" has turned back to normal what will I do? This is real stuff now. Its easy to praise God when everything is good...what will you do when theres a storm?

Despite all of this I must remind myself that He is faithful and just. I should not argue w/ His ways....He gives and takes away as HE pleases. The moment I start asking "why?"...is the time that I declare to God that I can run this universe better than He can. Im not going to lie about the way I feel...I feel like complete crap...I feel cheated....fustrated...sad...unconfident again. This coupled w/ a heart that is so burdened by emotions...man...all I can say is the devil knows the buttons to push. The 2 areas of my life that Im most sensitive too he hit...dead on....but what did I say in my last post? Whats progress w/o any obstacles to ensure that the forward steps are truly genuwine..and not just a facade.

So where does this leave me? I'm not entirely sure...its definitely been a battle these past 2 days. I thank God for blessing me w/ a sister in Christ that is willing to share this burden w/ me. However, this is my race...and Im the one that needs to run it.

"Do you not know that in a race all runners run but only 1 gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize" --1Corinthians 9:24

Oh Lord this is the greatest challenge of my life...coming at the heels of 2 solid months of progress. Lord I declare that I cannot live a life for you...I declare that Im powerless to live for you...It is you that must live in through Me. For I have been crucified w/ Christ and I no longer live but YOU live in me. Father I surrender my dreams, my desires, my rights into your hands. May You use this opportunity to shine Your light...that through my weakness and brokeness You can be seen. I am so scared and sad right now...but I realize that You are the only reason for this heart. Grant me the strength to run this race father...throwing off all the sin that so easily entangles...and running for the prize...that I would forget what is behind and STRAIN towards what is AHEAD. Thank you father for your unfailing love and faithfulness. Be the love of this heart and the reason of this life.