random...

Ive been meaing to post something for a while...but when I get here I never know what to write. There is so much that circulates in my head that if I were to write it all out none of it would make sense. But heres a shot...

God really made Himself known as I put Him at the bottom on my priorities during the winter break. So since the semester has began I have made a strong effort into making His promises and truths the foundation of everyday (Romans 12:2). I have literally began every day on my knees declaring that cannot live a life for Him...rather it is He who lives in me (Galatians 2:20). All in all the month has been good...God has been faithful and gracious. But what is progress w/o stumbling blocks or difficult circumstances. A couple of weeks into the semester the news that I wanted to deny or never wanted to hear for the longest time finally came. No it wasnt a dream...or rumour...it was real. I had a vague idea...but it was covered up by my ignorance. So it came...and the pain was the exact same pain I felt in the spring of 2003. I asked myself...I've been here before...but its been so long...how can the feeling be so fresh...w/ the same intensity? This cant be real...no way. Well 2 weeks later Im still feeling its sting. I dont want to talk abt it w/ church friends cause I feel like they look down on me if I brought it up. Like come on...they are right its been 3 years. But have you ever prayed for someone for 4+ years? Im not just talking about praying for exams or stress...but really praying every night/morning for God to make His glory and providence known to that person. That they would be rooted fully in Christ...that they would be moulded in His image...refined in the fire...broken down and built up. Its not like I eve's dropped on the person...but whenever I heard about certain circumstances I always would commit it to prayer. I have witnessed from afar God working in that persons life...and it truly brings me great joy...not that I have brought about the change...but that God is faithful. So in all of this I can tell you that the act of praying for someone with that intensity and commitment can really make you feel close to someone even though there is physical distance and little interaction. I dont want it to seem that im weird and Im some psycho that "connects" w/ ppl. Its nothing like that. Prayer is powerful. Im sure ppl that have prayed for others from a distance can connect w/ what im saying. So thats my reason....my reason for it being so difficult for me to let go. Is that an excuse? Abosolutely not. So then I stop praying for her? Maybe....im a little lost on all of this...

Thus my "progress" has been met w/ an obstacle...to test and see whether this progress is based solely on emotion or it is truly rooted in truth. "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." James 1:4. The sad thing is James is talking abt so much more than heartache or stress...yet I still find it so difficult. But nonetheless it must finish its work in me. I have been tempted to pray it away...but I realize that would defeat the purpose...sometimes things need the time to refine us.

"He has shown you O man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

O Lord this is the prayer of my heart. Help me to realize its not important where I am...who I'm with...its about who you want me to be regardless of the external environment. Help me to realize there is no job, person, situation, accomplishment coming up that is going to be better than you...for you were all this heart was made for...engineered for. Lord my prayer is Psalm 37:4...that I'd be able to truly delight myself in You. Show me what that means.